no squared

I wouldn't know how to work hard at reading more

you would, no

more reading hard at work

I would know

some milestones

I think a lot about how difficult it still is as I taper off Valium - how I still, after all this time, am not sleeping well and struggling with mental health issues. 

But then an encouraging thought occurred to me. Every single year for the last 4 years, I have reached a meaningful milestone. At the peak of my Valium use, I was getting through around 50 x 2 mg a week. 

I started seriously tapering in 2021, and by the end of that year I was down to 25 x 2 mg a week. Then, by the end of 2022, I was down to 14 x 2 mg, by the end of 2023, I was down to 10 x 2 mg, and by the end of 2024, I was down to 6 x 2 mg. 

Like I said - each milestone was very meaningful. 25 was meaningful because I didn't feel ready to reduce to that yet, but my doctor forced the issue. I thought - that's OK. I will just drink more. That lead to a really severe alcoholism which took hold really fast. Like, overnight, I started to drink at least 2 bottles of red wine a day, and I needed it. I couldn't stop. It was killing me and I knew that. So, on 15 March 2022, I went into detox and, with help, stopped drinking, and to this day I don't drink at all, and I never will, for the rest of my life. 

I was meant to come off Valium in detox. They did a very fast 8 day taper to get me down to 0. But that wasn't possible for me. It was tough though because my doctor refused to prescribe valium at all for me anymore. It was really dire. Fortunately, I found a doctor who would work with me and allow me to taper more gradually, so I kept pushing myself and by the end of 2022, I was down to 14 x 2 mg. 

Then, throughout 2023, I kept pushing and by the end of that year, I reached 10 x 2 mg, which seemed like a good milestone. It's a nice round number and the next cut would be down to single digits. 

Then, by the end of 2024, I was down to 6 x 2 mg, which is a good milestone because it's less than a whole 2 mg tablet a day. 

At each stage, the next milestone seemed impossible. When I was on 14 x 2 mg a week, I was so hard pressed that getting down to 10 x 2 mg a week seemed almost impossible, but I got there and then I got down to 6 x 2 mg a week, which encourages me that I will be able to make further cuts, as unthinkable as it seems at times. And there aren't that many more cuts that will need to be made. 

analogs digital

I was watching 'Andy Warhol's Diary' on netflix, and they were talking about how, as part of a promotion, Commodore got Andy Warhol to make some art on one of their computers. I think he used an early version of MS paint or something. 

That kind of art production was right up Warhol's alley, and he even wrote in his diary, something about how, if he had discovered this kind of art making earlier, he might just specialize in it and not even paint at all. That's interesting and I wish that had been the case or that, maybe if he had lived longer, he would have pursued digital art. 

In any case, he wrote about the art he made as part of the commodore promotion, and he said that it was really bad - it was just rubbish. But of course it was...he had literally never used a computer before. Still, if it was saved or printed (which I don't think it was) it would no doubt sell for millions now. 

inviolable

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. - Romans 12:21

When people do things that are harmful to you, either maliciously or negligently, it can feel very invalidating. You feel vulnerable and like you don't have agency over your own life. But two truths I want to affirm: 

Firstly, the energy and the spirit behind that person's actions can be converted into something positive and good. Somehow it provides an opportunity for change. It raises a lot of issues, and that gives you the chance to address those issues. 

Secondly, no one can trample or violate the things that really matter. Your values, goals, aspirations, beliefs, are yours and they can't be touched. There are things that do not 'perish, spoil or fade'. (1 Peter 1:4) 

the art of life

When we go through a crisis, we think something is wrong. We think things shouldn't be like this. I've felt that, when I was wracked by depression and anxiety and desperate for relief from the pain of those conditions. 

But I also see that crises represent a chance to make a fresh start - a real new beginning, which can only come about through pain. 

Through my journey of recovery, as I stopped drinking and tapered off benzos, I embarked on a new life, but it was only because I had to change. It was out of that same desperation for relief that I already mentioned. 

It was the only way. Changing brought relief. It's like art. With art you absolutely can't represent things the way you think you're supposed to. Likewise, you can't find real relief in the ways that seem to you that they would lead to relief. 

You have to do what seems hard and unnatural but, as you're discovering, is the path to life. 

defference

When I go to other countries, it strikes me as strange that the soil and plants are the same in some ways. They're like universal things. 

crimes

A path lies open before me, not of anticipating and responding to threats or criticism, but of doing stuff and living.