nt f real

The growing realization that I'm outside and it's OK. 

The first time you see it, you feel like you have to hold onto it, but you can't.

So, you're back inside again and stuck here without hope

but it's not real

the place without hope is not real 

burn

Nothing compares with action - with just doing stuff. 

It's one of the major themes of my new life, actually.

Somehow the old has to be destroyed, to allow for the new.

cede

at least there are things changing in a positive direction in my life, permanently and irrevocably

doxic

Being exposed to safety and freedom is deeply unsettling

breathing space

Withdrawing from valium is very different from withdrawing from alcohol. I think this is something unique about benzos, and it makes coming off them extremely hard....unlike other drugs where, after a difficult initial period, withdrawal symptoms peak and then steadily subside, with benzos, things get worse and worse and worse with time. 

So, it's like you're always headed into rougher weather. 

escapade

It's like when I went into the psyche ward. The answer that emerged was that I needed to face my life. I needed to push back into my normal life, as impossible as that seemed, and then just keep going. 

alternative reality

It's such a sweet feeling, this growing sense that I don't need this stuff any more. I still do have some need for it, but I'm not reliant on it like I was. 

It's a very definite thing - a real change. I remember how I used to feel the need to take some valium with me whenever I went out, even going out for a run. And then there came a time when I just didn't need to do that.

It used to be hard to even go out at all. When I walked to the shops, I would be stressed all the way there about going in, and it took courage to go in. Buying more than one thing was challenging. I thought I was going to faint or lose control or something. 

It's interesting....for me, this tapering process has involved facing and overcoming the depression and anxiety that I used the medication to deal with.