the thing

Nothing and no one can stop you from doing what you want, but we place so much importance on other people's response to what we do that we feel like we can't do things unless we're going to make money from them or be critically acclaimed. 

So, the actual activity becomes secondary, and the most important thing is the response, which is crazy. Doing that thing ought to be what it's all about. 

now for something else.

Andy Warhol said: "Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art."

I love that quote and I think it applies to writing as well. I obsess over my writing, wanting to include all the right points in the right order, but I've learnt to just get it done and then move onto the next thing. There are so many things I want to write about, so I end up trying to include a lot of things in each piece, when it's better to express something that embodies the tension between the fullness of the idea and the limits of time and corporality, and complete it and then move on to something else. 

The end of this post but not this blog. 

gimme shelter

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12: 7 - 11

The most trying challenges are the ones that you can't see the end of. You can't see a good end. For me it's depression and anxiety. I fall into these nasty vicious cycles. For example, not being able to sleep and depression, and they fuel each other. Earlier in my taper I could say that I was going through this particular challenge because I'm still tapering, and that's probably true. Then, as I continued to taper - once I got down to around 2 x 2 mg of Valium a week - my sleep dramatically improved, and it was so good. But then, a couple of weeks ago, I started having trouble sleeping again, and I'm back in that cycle again. It seems unrelenting. Night after night after night, for weeks, having disturbed sleep and waking up already exhausted and feeling dizzy and disoriented and heavily fatigued all day. 

What I want is relief, but I've learnt that relief is not the answer. The way forward is to achieve a kind of battle-hardenedness, where you're going through all the challenges but you do what you need to do anyway. Your joy returns. Your strength returns. It feels good because your challenges aren't on top of you. You are on top of them. 

scientific fact

The biggest ant is the LFant. 

essense

We have this idea that we're so fragile and under immense pressure and on the verge of breaking, and that's all just a story that we tell ourselves. Your inner self, your soul, your spirit is not just strong, it's unbreakable, unquenchable. 

As Emerson wrote, The soul will not know either deformity or pain.

a kind of hangover

I'm used to building sandcastles right on the edge of the surf and they just get washed away completely, but lately something endures. 

ebb and flow

The past seems more real and tangible. We think of the past as leading us to where we are now, but because the future hasn't happened yet, we don't think of it as having any substance. The truth is that it's probably as real as the past, and as much as our will, decisions, experiences from the past push us forward, our future pulls us forward into itself.