changing channels

For a while I was thinking that I would cycle through Medium, my blog, substack, patreon, and linkedIn. So, I'd write a post on Medium then after that on my blog, then substack, etc. But that just doesn't work for me. For me, it's very hard to switch and the kind of writing I want to do on each platform is so different. 

So, the way it has worked out is that, I write on Medium for a few months, then my blog for a few months, and so on. When I'm immersed in each project, I have no....what's the word? 'Interest' doesn't quite fit. 'Momentum' maybe....in the others. 

I've only made it to the second step - this blog. It's going to be a while before I get to substack, Patreon and LinkedIn, because I'm in no hurry. I'm content to write my blog for the indefinite future. But when I get to each of them, I will write something good. 

mirage

There's always a difference between the idea of doing things and the reality. At school, when I first got an assignment or essay, it seemed like I had so long to work on it and I pictured myself doing all this good work, but then it wouldn't eventuate. I would end up doing it at the last minute.

landing

Years ago, when I was first at uni, I had a friend who was studying philosophy and really loving it. To him it was all about ideas and philosophical questions and reasoning. That never interested me. I'm more interested in language and texts. 

That's why, years later, when I did become interested in philosophy, I was more interested in the history of philosophy and the primary texts than in some kind of philosophical debate. More recently still, I've found that the two different approaches are pretty much indistinguishable. To learn about philosophy is to explore the development of ideas through history and to engage with texts that reflect that development. 

strike while the iron's hot

In 1979, Jean Michel Basquiat, who at that time was pretty unknown in the art world, spotted Andy Warhol having lunch with Henry Geldzahler. He went up and introduced himself and offered to sell them some postcards he had painted. Geldzahler dismissed Basquiat, saying he was too young or something like that, but Warhol bought one of the postcards. 

Later, in 1982, after Basquiat had become a famous artist, they were more formally introduced and they had lunch together. After the lunch, Basquiat went home and painted a portrait of the two of them and delivered it to Warhol within a couple of hours after the lunch, with the paint still wet. Warhol confessed to Bruno Bischofberger, who was at the lunch with the two artists, that he was jealous because Basquiat worked so fast. 

surrender

When I first started reading Daniel Deronda by George Eliot, I didn't make it to the end. What I didn't like is that a really intriguing character is introduced at the start, but then they go away, and they stay away for hundreds of pages, while you're reading about some pretty unpleasant characters. I kept reading in the hope that the good part of the story would start, and I was just ploughing through this first part to get to the good part, and it really wasn't worth it, so I ended up giving up. 

Then I watched the BBC miniseries of Daniel Deronda and I loved it, so I returned to the book and this time I read through the whole thing. I suppose I just needed to see that it was a good story - that it really had something to offer. Reading it that second time, I was content to just let the book lead me and enjoy the journey. 

if alcohol is a depressant, why does it feel good?

'Depression' is probably the wrong word for depression. I always wondered why, if alcohol and Valium are both depressants, why does taking them make me feel better? Both of those assertions are true. Valium and alcohol are in fact depressants, and they do make you feel better, at least for a while, and I think that actually makes sense when you understand what is actually happening when you take those substances and what is happening with depression. 

Depression, at least for me, is about violently destructive thoughts and feelings. It's like being attacked by something. So, when a chemical slows that fight down, as a depressant does, it makes it a lot easier. It gives you some room to breathe and rest. So, we're talking about two different types of depression. 

update on Valium taper

I remember not that long ago pushing to reduce to .25 of a 2 mg tablet per day. It seemed impossible, but I did it one night, which showed me it was possible, and from there I just kept doing it more and more until it was the norm. So, most weeks for the last couple of months, my weekly dose has been 1.75 x 2 mg, which is .25 (1 quarter) each day/ night. 

From there, you can only really go to zero because it's not practical to break the tablets into smaller portions than a quarter. But as has often been the case in my journey with Valium, there's a psychological barrier here. The thought of taking no Valium at all at night before I sleep is daunting - never mind that I'm only taking half a mg most nights now anyway, which would have seemed impossible not that long ago, and the effects of half a mg are negligible. 

Something that helps is that, once I got down to around 2 x 2 mg a week, my sleep dramatically improved, and sleep has been one of the major issues with me for a long time. So, after I take my other meds in the evening, I usually feel pretty sleepy, but I've been taking a quarter of a tablet of Valium anyway. It probably has no effect, actually. Even if I take a whole 2 mg tablet, which I haven't done in a while but I did at times earlier this year and before that, I don't feel much, if any, difference. 

I was going to continue on .25 a night for a while longer and maybe have a go at reducing to 0 some nights in late October or November, but last night I just felt ready and didn't take the quarter tablet, and I slept as normal for me. So, with the beginning of September, I crossed that line. Now it's the new norm. The end.