breaking barriers

The good thing about change is that it goes one way. Something remains. Progress is made. 

My taper is an example of that. Yes, my dose goes up and down from day to day and week to week, but the overall trend is downwards, and once I make a cut to the amount I pick up each week from the pharmacy, that's it - I will never again get more than that each week. Now I'm down to 2 x 2 mg a week. That seemed impossible not that long ago, but just taking a step at a time, and continuing to push, that's where I am. 

For the last few months, most weeks my weekly dose has been 1.75 x 2 mg, because I take .25 a day. I remember when I was pushing to get down to .25, then I did it one day and after that I did it more days until it became the norm. It's always a barrier that seems really difficult to cross. Taking less than 2 tablets was a barrier, then taking less than 1.75, then taking less than 1.5, and so on. Now that I'm down to .25 a day, to go lower I have to go to zero because it's not practical to break the tablets into smaller than quarters. In any case, how small is a quarter of a 2 mg tablet? Even if I take a full 2 mg these days, I barely feel anything. 

For me, Valium long ago ceased to be about dealing with anxiety. It was more about dealing with the symptoms which it itself was manifesting. Taking it was mostly about my need for it. 

This month - actually, the very first day of September, I had my first day of no Valium. Then, in the following couple of weeks, I had a few more days of zero. But then I started to really struggle again with sleep and mental health issues. There's always a delayed effect with Valium. After I make a cut I only really feel it a week or two later and sometimes it hits hard. I think that the last few months of 1.25 a week and then cutting down to zero some days, started to take a toll. So, I've been sticking to .25 a night in recent days, but hey - now that I've passed the barrier of having no Valium days, that will soon be the norm. 

the anxiety in the anxiety of influence

I was watching a video that tried to explain Harold Bloom's 'the anxiety of influence'. I was interested in how someone would explain the theory in a short video. 

I noticed a couple of problems with the explanation. One of them was that, when the presenter was talking about how, in Bloom's theory, writers have precursors who are their biggest influence and about whom they experience the 'anxiety of influence'. That's fine but then the presenter talked about how we could think of that relationship as being one where the affinity arises from the choice of subject. So, the precursor writes about some theme or subject and the writer being influenced wants to write about that subject as well. Bloom explicitly states that that isn't what he means by influence. It's not about writing about similar ideas or subjects. The issue is aesthetic power - the ability to write well. The writer looks at his or her precursors and realizes that the situation is hopeless - they can never write that well. That's the anxiety. 

bird set free

Looking at and making art reminds me of our ability to break out of the bounds of space and time. 

Mental health issues combined with other restraints can be a net that immobilizes you and pins you in place. 

Through art and creativity, you can get beyond that and soar. 

dialectical croonings

In the Faces' rendition of Maybe I'm Amazed, Ronnie Lane sings the first part and he's like a voice in the wilderness proclaiming, 'prepare a way for Rod Stewart' and then Rod comes in and owns the song, making, not just Ronnie Lane but everyone who has ever sung anything, look lackluster. How can his voice be so rough and so smooth at the same time? 

refuse

Part of depression is that you learn to take refuge in the very things that fuel your depression. 

reason to believe

Especially in the early days of my taper, I used to find it encouraging looking up websites for information about the benzo withdrawal timeline. They were all inaccurate but at least it was something. For all I knew, they weren't inaccurate and I could look forward to the measures of healing described. Even if the timing was out, they still described healing, which is something. 

what is modernism?

Modernism can be used to refer to 2 different historical developments. It's mainly used to talk about the period in the early 20th century when writers, artists and other creative people were experimenting with different ways of creating. A chair needn't have four legs and a back. 

It can also refer to the emergence of modern thought, beginning in the 16th century, with the scientific revolution.