note to self

add books from to do to amazon

ab

I'm reading Finding Me by Michelle Knight - her story of being held captive and tortured by Ariel Castro for 11 years. It's chilling how it unfolded - how she was actually acquainted with him and that gave him his opportunity, and then, in a moment, her life became a horror story. 

lie

For we can do nothing against the truth, but only for the truth. (2 Corinthians 13:8)

We can't change the truth. The truth doesn't need our defence. It bothers us too much when we think people are lying, as if they're getting away with something. They aren't. 

equal and opposite

Our sense of ourselves is something we create. We think we are basing it on how people treat us but the way people treat us is more a reflection of the signals we send out than what people actually think of us. We can't see ourselves, physically or spiritually. 

near

My standard dose now is half a 2 mg tablet, and the remarkable thing is that that dose has absolutely no discernible effect. 

travelling in factions

A lot of times, the idea of a book is more interesting than reading the book, and you can think of the ideas of a lot of books at the same time or in a moment, while to read a whole book, you have to devote yourself to that one story or topic for hours. 

fin

One of the challenging things about tapering off a benzo is that the hard part is ahead of you, and the hard part will go for months and years. But now I am through the hard part. 

drafting

yes! I'm so happy - I just heard Hilary Mantel, who is a great writer, say something that I have thought about a lot, but I haven't heard any writer ever say....that since she started writing on a screen, she isn't conscious of the difference between drafts.

Finally somebody said it. Because of word processing, the way we write now is different from earlier periods in history because you can edit as you go. It makes a huge difference. 

I'm not completely against drafting, but I think its role in the writing process is different from what it used to be.

ps

Robert Eggers is making Nosferatu for Christmas

turning the tide

The Gettysburg Address was short and, in some ways, not that impressive, but it is immortal. 

Joseph Welch triggered the ending of McCarthyism, with two sentences: “Have you no sense of decency, sir, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?”

things that matter

There seems to be a common belief around now that being a Christian is about being morally upright and making a stand about the status of other people before God, but Jesus told us to look at our own sin first....concern ourselves with that...and the parable of the tax collector and the pharisee teaches us that it's not the person who takes pride in their right standing with God, who is made right with God. Instead, it's the one who recognizes their filthiness in the sight of God, who gets forgiven. 

What matters in that parable, is that they recognize and repent of their own sin. 

gasolean

Real events always seem artificial 

trend

I was watching a Korean show (through the dark) about detectives hunting serial killers, and one detective was trying to get a group together to do profiling and interview known serial killers, and he was trying to enlist another detective who he thought would be really good at that. I thought, this is like the Korean version of Mindhunter. It's kind of the same. 

Next thing, the first detective gives the other one a copy of the book, Mindhunter, saying that's what he is trying to do, except in Korea. 

What I really like about it is that it's not just a copy of Mindhunter. It's uniquely Korean and it's set in the 90's and based on true stories about how the Korean police started adopting similar methods to those used in the US, except about 20 years later. 

The time difference is interesting. The phenomenon of serial killers emerged in America in the 70's and then in Korea in the 90's. 

I never hit the griddy

for years now, because of my taper, I always have numbers running through my head

delclaration

i  can always write

altho i'm lost vand broekn 

i can wroite 

It's such a freedome

because i'm wrong but 

i can always write 

the point

As a believer, I'm quite interested in arguments for atheism, but I've found that, when I read books that make those arguments, they're not even-handed or reasonable. They're vitriolic and nasty. It's all about scoring points in a conceptual debate. They go on the attack from the start. 

I'm not convinced by an argument that suggests that I'm an idiot for believing what I believe. 

autumn

There are some books that you can just open at random and read part and there's a sense of completeness to what you read. 

archexes

In the first year, I didn't date my entries because I didn't know the process would last several years, like it has. 

evocative

So, what was the logic of beginning with the firewood?

It's kind of central to everything

it didn't mean to them what it means to us

psa

if you accidentally close a tab or multiple tabs - even all your tabs, if you will - press ctrl-shift-t

checklist

psyche ward ☑

detox ☑

arts degree ☑

addiction and withdrawal ☑

cult ☑

breaking

I always wondered how I would negotiate the last part of my taper, because the tablets come in 2 mg lots, but then it occurred to me to break the tablets into quarters. 

I used to never take less than 2 x 2 mg at a time, because there would be no point, but my standard dose that I take now is .5 x 2 mg = 1 mg, and sometimes .25. Soon, my standard dose will be .25, and very soon after that: zero. 

motif

Let's begin again with the firewood-

permanent

the great unknown that 

to my dismay

I am pushed into 

torn away from all security 

is reality 

taste

things become interesting as you give them attention

sure

To this day I've always worried about could happen or what's going to happen, and it always seems bad, but now some things reassure me. Like with my taper...I know for sure that I'm making progress on it. With all the things that could go wrong and strike me down, it's a fact that I'm moving in the direction of needing Valium less and ultimately not needing it at all. That's something that's happening.