purple lines

I really enjoyed the film, While We're Young, and there was one unforgettable line, where Ben Stiller says, 'It's like he saw a sincere person for a couple of minutes years ago and he's been trying to imitate them ever since'. It's such an eloquent, brilliant, creative expression of how he sees the person he's talking about. Later on he has a more charitable view but, at that moment, it's a perfect encapsulation. 

one way

I draw encouragement from the way that, although I'm still beset by a range of challenges, there are positive developments that are substantial. Like, I'm continuing to taper and reduce my valium dose, and that's only ever going to go one way. I will never again increase my dose, just like I will never again drink alcohol - never ever. 

I'm happy with the progress I made this year on my taper. 

coda

It won't beat me though. 

sentence

Valium has really blighted my life. 

gnostest

Because of the way it was presented on the page, I missed the best part. 

nt f real

The growing realization that I'm outside and it's OK. 

The first time you see it, you feel like you have to hold onto it, but you can't.

So, you're back inside again and stuck here without hope

but it's not real

the place without hope is not real 

burn

Nothing compares with action - with just doing stuff. 

It's one of the major themes of my new life, actually.

Somehow the old has to be destroyed, to allow for the new.

cede

at least there are things changing in a positive direction in my life, permanently and irrevocably

doxic

Being exposed to safety and freedom is deeply unsettling

breathing space

Withdrawing from valium is very different from withdrawing from alcohol. I think this is something unique about benzos, and it makes coming off them extremely hard....unlike other drugs where, after a difficult initial period, withdrawal symptoms peak and then steadily subside, with benzos, things get worse and worse and worse with time. 

So, it's like you're always headed into rougher weather. 

escapade

It's like when I went into the psyche ward. The answer that emerged was that I needed to face my life. I needed to push back into my normal life, as impossible as that seemed, and then just keep going. 

alternative reality

It's such a sweet feeling, this growing sense that I don't need this stuff any more. I still do have some need for it, but I'm not reliant on it like I was. 

It's a very definite thing - a real change. I remember how I used to feel the need to take some valium with me whenever I went out, even going out for a run. And then there came a time when I just didn't need to do that.

It used to be hard to even go out at all. When I walked to the shops, I would be stressed all the way there about going in, and it took courage to go in. Buying more than one thing was challenging. I thought I was going to faint or lose control or something. 

It's interesting....for me, this tapering process has involved facing and overcoming the depression and anxiety that I used the medication to deal with. 

up

I still posit myself as someone who is trapped when vicious cycles kick in. But more and more I'm able to envisage something better to come and I'm able to imagine a better life for myself even now. 

things that matter

Objects in mirror may be closer than they seem. 

grates

I never really like the most critically acclaimed works. Like, Seven Nation Army is nowhere near Jack White's best song. I don't think it's even that good. Same for Bleak House. It's not the best of Dickens. And Brothers Karamazov. Maybe I just don't get Karamazov, but The Idiot and The Possessed were fire and, in my view, far better than Karamazov. 

sophistry

The truth wasn't fancy enough. She felt like she had to have a more sophisticated mythology. That made her feel special, when actually she was just deluded. 

a

Detox really 'took' with me. 

making it real is just part of the story

One of the things that made The Wire such a great and ground-breaking show was its realism. It's very hard to achieve that, because unvarnished reality doesn't make for good TV, and bottom-line, it's not real. It's fiction.