poetry without words

I wrote this post on my old blog, caeusura, on July, 18, 2014. I was going to edit and revise it but it has a kind of completeness the way it is, with its flaws * * * *

When a computer stores data, we call that memory and we also call it memory when we recall information or events. But what do the two processes - computer memory and human memory - have in common? They are both a kind of record. But when we open a file we have stored in a computer, we don't say that the computer is remembering. Remembering is a human thing. Implicit within the concept of remembering is that of forgetting. Computers don't forget things, so they don't remember things. And each person's memories are unique to them.

But what constitutes a memory? A kind of mnemonics is involved. A single detail represents the whole. In literature, this trope is called synecdoche. It's like a box with a label on it. But what language is the label written in? It's a kind of poetry, for sure.

It's a poetry without language and the box isn't really a box. No - it's not without language - it's without words. It's a very eloquent language. It's the language of gesture - the language of animals, the sea and the sky.

creative goals

I'm very cycle based - at least more so than some other people. So, I make progress and think about my goals in a different way. It's not so much about increments for me - although of course to the external observer, I will be making progress in increments - but it's more like: I push really hard, then fall back a bit, then push really hard, fall back a bit, and so on. 

I remember watching a YouTube video where the presenter was talking about a very well-known and lauded self-help book, and she said, it may be a good book, but that's not how I work. And this is a book that everyone was raving about. 

I feel that way about SMART goals - the idea that, to be valid and effective, every goal has to have each of the five elements: specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and timely. Goals have been an important part of my life for at least 30 years, but I have different types of goals for different purposes. Like for example, I have 'next level goals' and at the other extreme I have 'progress goals'. Both serve an important purpose and both are very different. Next level goals are things that are basically unrealistic. Something like - being a professional artist who exhibits work in galleries. It's encouraging to have goals like that because, everyone and everything may tell you it's impossible, but it's not impossible so why not dream it and pursue it. Then, at the other end of the scale, there are progress goals, which are eminently achievable. The challenge with these is to think of very easy ways to move in the direction you want to move in. The beauty of these goals is how easy they are, but, at the same time, how worthwhile and positive they are. So, it could be something like, I'm going to eat this different kind of food that I don't normally eat, or I'm going to go for a walk or I'm going to have a conversation. 

One type of goal that I never formulate though, is SMART goals. 

cat [egorie] s

The problem with categories is that they don't comprehend the individuality of what is being categorized. 

Of course, in life, we all have to do categorize people and things to some extent, but when you get to know somebody and your friendship develops, the way you relate to them becomes more and more specifically tailored to them. A bond develops. That bond is based on both the sense of each other's uniqueness as well as a sense of sameness between you, because like is drawn to like. A new category is created that contains both of you. A group of friends is a kind of category, but in a good way. It's not prescriptive and reductive - it's not being used to label and make judgements - it serves people rather than people feeling confined and restricted by it.

So, I think that's the key - we should use categories in interesting ways and in ways that change - ways that are not inflexible and prescriptive, but ways that serve us. 

@work

Reading an article about Vivienne Westwood, I was struck by how some people do what they love for work and become very, very rich. Other people hate their job and earn a normal wage. 

don't look back

The past is a strange kind of possession. My past is mine - it belongs to me and no one else. But I have no ability to change it. I can't change even the smallest detail. While I was experiencing it, I had control over some things. Now I have no control over anything in my past. But through my memory, I have access to it.

The meaning of things changes according to the context. As I go through life and grow physically and have different experiences, it puts the events in my memory in a different context. So, does that change the meaning of events? It does, but the question is whether, and if so how, my memories remain factual. 

I find that, especially unpleasant experiences or thoughts, take on a different meaning later. I look back on difficult and painful experiences with a kind of fondness. 

tim tam and who part two

I tried another one of the Jatz Tim Tams today, because I thought, now that I know it's supposed to taste like it does and it's not expired or poisoned, I might like it more, and I did. 

particles and waves

Harold Bloom's thesis is that no literary creation is truly original. All writers revise what other writers have written. He posits a series of six revisionary 'ratios' whereby this revision process takes place. Each of the ratios is based on a different trope. Tropes are like figures of speech - ways of conveying meaning by expressing things that aren't literally true. The most well-known tropes are similes and metaphors.

Tropes are the fundamental building blocks of all communication. Even that sentence contains the trope of metaphor because tropes are not really building blocks at all. And 'that sentence contains' is another trope because a sentence can't literally contain anything.

Irony is another trope. The word 'literally' is one of the most ironic words, because when something is strictly and objectively true, we say it is 'literally' true. So, the literal and the literary are opposites.

Consider a story, any story. When a character in a story says that something about that story is true, it's ironic (whether or not the writer is deliberately being ironic) because, of course, it's not true because it's happening in a story. But it's still true in some sense because in the world of the story it's true.  Irony works because of the quantum nature of reality. Contradictory conditions can both exist. It happens more than you realize. We think, that can't possibly be right, only because our limited intelligence can't comprehend it.

recognizence

‘A few anecdotes, a few traits of character, manners, face, a few incidents, have an emphasis in your memory out of all proportion to their apparent significance, if you measure them by the ordinary standards. They relate to your gift. Let them have their weight, and do not reject them, and cast about for illustration and facts more usual in literature. What your heart thinks great is great. The soul's emphasis is always right.’

                   - Ralph Waldo Emerson, Spiritual Laws

Your soul knows what it's doing when it draws your attention to things. It recognizes itself. There is an exquisite tension between difference and sameness when you perceive something of yourself in another person or in a book or a place. 

agency

The beauty of writing for me is that I don't know where it will go - it's a creative process. But, at the same time, I'm in control of what I write. When so much in life feels like it is out of control, here is a space where we can have control.

interesting

I like things that I understand to some extent but I'm aware that there is so much more that I don't understand. Friedrich Nietzsche wrote, 'That for which we find words is something already dead in our hearts. There is always a kind of contempt in the act of speaking.' Likewise, the things I fully understand hold little interest for me.

In the same way, questions are often more interesting than answers. Answers are the end of the matter. They put an end to enquiry. And problems aren't the bad things we often think they are. Problems are central to life. Problems and challenges make us who we are.

It's weakness that makes things interesting. Imagine the 'perfect' painter who could paint things that look like a photo. That would be impressive, but their work wouldn't be beautiful. But as soon as there is a struggle or faltering - some expression of frailty or strangeness, within the work, it becomes interesting; it strikes a chord.

choices

This post is adapted from a post I wrote on my old blog - caeusura -on May 31, 2014.

When I was studying English at uni and I had to write my first essay, there was a range of topics/ questions to choose from. I really agonised over the choice.....which one would be best? which would I do best at?, etc. When I went to see my tutor about it, she had the most simple and elegant solution. She said, do the one you most want to do. When I thought of it like that, it was really obvious to me which one I should do. 

It's funny how I never thought of approaching it like that. I'm not sure why I didn't think of that as an option. Maybe it's because I was used to school being a place where you don't have the option of doing what you want. In High School, when there is an option, you don't think which do I want to do? you think which one will get me the best result? 

everything's not lost

I thought my old blog - caeusura - was gone forever. I deleted it when I started this blog in January 2020. But I had a look at the wayback machine, and...it's all there! Every post is there. 

So, I'll probably go through it and maybe republish, or revise and republish, some posts. Or maybe I should recreate it - open a new blog called caeusura and put all the posts in it. 

Tim Tam and who?

Someone I work with brought in a packet of Tim Tams the other day and later in the day I took a couple and when I ate the first one I thought that they must be expired or something because it tasted distinctly salty. There was the normal chocolaty flavor of Tim Tams, but then there was also a saltiness. 

So I looked at the pack, and the Tim Tams were....not salted caramel, but.....Jatz flavored. Jatz flavored Tim Tams. Yes! A marriage of two iconic Australian staples. I ate the second one, but I really didn't like it, to be honest. As I said to my friends, this flavor combination just doesn't work. 

I did some more research. The reviews I watched were generally quite positive. I also read an article that said that the original idea was an April fool's day joke, and some people believed it and complained when they found out it wasn't a real product. 

I can't help wondering, if I had known what the flavor was before tasting that first one, whether that would have changed my view, because, interestingly, while I thought the saltiness was unbelievably strong because I was expecting the normal Tim Tam sweetness, a lot of the reviewers said that it was hardly salty at all and some even said they wish it was more salty. Overall though, the reviewers liked them. 

close reading

Early on in my studies of English literature, I was never sure, when I had an idea about a poem - about what it meant or what the poet was trying to convey - whether I was right or wrong. But then, after a while, I realized that I could trust my ideas. 

That applies to anyone actually, and when I was tutoring I would tell students that. If you engage with the poem and you get something from it, that insight that you get is real and valid, more often than not. This is the case to varying extents, for all subjects, but especially for English because we each make our own meaning from literature or other kinds of text. In English, there isn't a right and wrong answer the way there is for maths and science. 

History too is malleable in that way. If you read and understand all the materials, and you're able to convey that understanding in your essays, you will do well even if your conclusion is questionable. That's why History essay questions will ask you about a particular issue and you could come down on either side and still do well, because what really matters is your ability to argue the side you choose. 

pov

I felt a bit cheated when I studied creative writing at uni. We did a single module of creative writing in first year English and I did really well. I've never been able to write stories and the beauty of this creative writing module was that they said, it's not about that; it's about playing with language. I found that I was good at that and enjoyed it.

So, I enrolled in a full unit of creative writing in second year, but, in that class, all everyone was talking about was writing stories. I actually failed that course. 

your rules don't apply here

People love to make up rules about how to taper off benzos. One expert says that you shouldn't taper for longer than 2 years. That's based on his experience. That's what he decided to do. That doesn't mean other people should do that. Do what suits you. I've been tapering for four years and I'm just coming to the end now. I only heard that advice after I had been tapering for longer than 2 years, and my response is that I'm working through this as best I can. I didn't really plan my taper in advance; I just thought that I'm going to do it as fast as I can. 

Another extremely common rule is that you have to maintain your dose from day to day. According to this rule, you make a reduction and then every day you take the same dose until you make the next reduction and then you maintain that. Or you make very small reductions each day. But you never, ever increase. Taking a 'rescue dose' would be an absolute disaster and a setback. 'Reinstating' or increasing your dose again to a point you were at previously is a very serious decision and probably not advisable. In my experience, all of that is rubbish. At every stage, before I started to taper and since I've been tapering, my dose went up and down. From day to day and week to week. On stressful days I take more. Some days and weeks I push myself and take a lot less. The key thing is that, overall, the direction has been downward. I have consistently reduced my dose.

There are probably other rules as well. There are others I've heard. Those two are just the ones that I feel strongly about because the first one comes from an 'expert' and the second one is like an article of faith for, I think, most people. I've heard that from so many people including youtubers who I also got some very good practical advice from. It always made me feel like I was failing. But now, because I have succeeded in my taper, I can say for sure, it's not a rule. Stop teaching it as if it's an article of faith. 

Anyone who is tapering, I want to encourage you. You've got this. You're doing it. You are. You really are, and you will get there. You will get to the end. You just have to keep going. It seems to go on forever, but it doesn't. It seems like it's breaking you, but it isn't. 

A good analogy I heard is that it's like chopping down a tree. It's hard work and it takes time, but once the tree starts to fall, that's it. It's no longer hard work. It's done. You just don't need the thing anymore. That can apply to benzos, alcohol, or something else. 

a catchy song

Escape aka The Pina Colada song is a good example of how what is popular in this world doesn't really merit that popularity. Two people cheat on each other, but because they both did it, they decide it's OK. More importantly, the whole experience makes them realize that they should be happy with their relationship because their partner really has everything that they are looking for, so they 'escape' together instead of escaping from each other. 

The problem is that all these things that they realize they both value aren't really a good basis for a healthy relationship - like, alcohol, inactivity, the romanticization of inconvenience, sex, unhealthy food. And we're meant to believe that each of them never knew that the other liked these things. 

It's all about escape and evading any kind of challenge, which is ultimately really boring and empty. 

fr

I'm watching Robert Eggers's Nosferatu and it's good. It's a good horror film but, for me, it's not in the same league as The VVitch, because The VVitch, besides being good, was an intellectual feast. It was like a study of the mechanics of the 17th century witch narrative. It's like Arthur Miller's The Crucible in that sense. 

These two texts bring together historical fact with emotional immediacy in a way that's really compelling. 

art LXVII

how to visit the beach

Probably one of the most important and least understood aspects of enjoying the beach is what happens with your feet, so it is vital to remove your shoes before stepping onto the sand. 

Once you have stepped on the sand....congratulations - you are now at the beach. Move quickly but calmly towards the water. Stop at a point where the incoming and outgoing water just covers your feet. The technical term for this part of the beach is [the] 'swash'. Then, as the water recedes after each wave, scrunch your toes and wiggle your feet from side to side so that your feet sink into the sand. 

That's enough! for now. Future episodes will cover: appropriate attire for the beach, entering the surf, how the beach brings new meaning to the humble sandwich, advanced beach lounging, and so forth. 

wow

This blog post is microwavable! That's right it's just what you've been waiting for. I've been studying the market and looking for a gap and I found one. This has never been done before! 

Of course you can also heat it up in a traditional oven or toast it on an open fire....it doesn't matter! enjoy!

art #2

art video #1

बोर

I can't write anything that is just about me telling the reader about something. There are things like that that I could write. For example, I could write about why you should buy a kindle if you like reading, especially if you like reading classics, but just thinking about structuring an argument and all the points I would make, is demotivating, because it's static....what I would be trying to express is exactly what I have in mind. 🎼

I like writing what is going to change my mind. Each new sentence is a response to the sentences that went before it. ቆ

That tendency to endlessly go off on tangents is a liability when it comes to writing a thesis or a recipe but an asset in writing letters or blogs. ჯ

what makes us special?

They gave the example of ants to explain why God became a human in Christ. Say if you wanted to reach out to ants, the best way would be to become an ant. 

It wouldn't really work though, because you still wouldn't be able to tell them about yourself and that you love them, which makes me realize that what makes human beings special is our use of language. That - maybe even that alone - constitutes the sense in which we are made in God's image. 

That consciousness and creativity and potential is a miracle worthy of our faith and belief. 

reflektion

the asymptote of perfection

be best

I was watching a video about the creative process and it wasn't that interesting. Then the presenter mentioned Cal Newport and I stopped watching. 

Why am I so averse to his views? I value intelligence and I also value technology, and I want both. I believe in deep-work and I want to find my own way to it. I think that social media, can be used in self-affirming and life-affirming ways.