process

The truths were a collaboration between myself and the people who spoke to me. I took ideas from three key conversations that I had, and that became my path. 

oracles

Before - a couple of years ago - I knew that the hardest part was still ahead of me. That was true. Experts, who supposedly knew better than I did, told me otherwise. 

They told me all kinds of things that are not true. They aren't lies though, because I know they believed what they were telling me. Also, maybe in purely objective terms, what they were telling me was true. 

What I find interesting is that I was told some things that were truly life-changing - things that I took and used to overcome, and that I still believe. 

So, even though I was told some things that weren't true, that didn't poison the well. I was able to receive life-giving truth. 

manifest oh

Nothing I create is contingent on an envisaged response. 

typo

There are some people that will just inevitably harm you. You can't come within their orbit and be unscathed. It seems like you're going to get away, but you can't. 

Then there are people who are the opposite. You can't help but benefit from your association with them. 

understanding | a | curse

I learnt about how Gothic horror works and I saw this film and I was struck by the way that it was literally just one gothic device after another - the whole film....they go into a hospital and suddenly all the lights go off, a cute little kid speaks with a deep, unearthly voice...they flee to safety and it's not safe

repeat

I was really enjoying a certain TV show, and then it turned into fight club, which made it a little less compelling. 

cyfy

Neuromancer is an astonishing book. I only understand it because I live in the 21st century, and it was published in 1984. 

parked

It's actually a good thing when you 'lose' people - when you find that the people who were part of your life are no longer a part of your life. They don't know your new self, and the new you has nothing to do with them. 

obv

Changing feels like breaking, but breaking also feels like breaking. 

obiter

just press the damn button

funky

Emotional states seem so intractable. They're like functions....whatever parameters are input, the function does its thing. 

lost connection

I finished reading Howards End for the second time. For whatever reason, it was like coming to it completely fresh. As I was reading it there was no recognition or memory of what I was reading....nothing at all. If I didn't know that I had read it before, I would have said I hadn't. 

news

Cats have really fallen off. 

unwanted

I really don't want a book to change my life. I want to do it myself. 

loops

The crushing of your dreams can be the best thing. We tell ourselves that things aren't meant to be like this. Things are meant to be like this. 

the beginning

Detox really did represent a fresh start for me, but not just a new chapter or phase in my life. It was a whole new life. I think that's one of the reasons why I haven't relapsed. You wouldn't give alcohol to a baby or a child. So, if I have begun a new life, alcohol has no place in it. 

I didn't come up with the idea that I was beginning a new life, someone suggested it to me. It was a social worker. I was saying that the main challenge for me at that point - 2 or 3 days into detox - was the intense depression and anxiety that engulfed me, especially in the afternoon. She said that that's completely normal, and then she reframed it by suggesting this idea that I was beginning a new life. It wasn't the end - a downward spiral of never ending depression and anxiety - it was the beginning of a life without alcohol. 

Of course it was going to be raw and difficult at first. New life is like that. 

scorn

Sometimes people are more interested in nurturing their grievances against you than in fixing whatever the problem is. The problems would be easily fixed. It would be a win-win, but sometimes people think it's only a win when someone else loses. 

the end

When I was a child I used to think that 100 years was the appropriate length for a life. All things being equal, you would live to 100. Now I think it's more like 60. Not that you die at 60, but you start winding down, and you've had a fair share of life. 

reversals

The film 'The VVitch' brilliantly evokes the way that human beings manifest very precisely that which they hate and fear. The witch narrative - the story we think of when we think of witches - was inscribed, not by witches, but by puritans. 

volution

It's crazy to think there are only 6 years between 'please please me' and 'abbey road'.