La Vita Nuova

My experience with detox made certain spiritual concepts come alive for me. Like, how you can, on the one hand, be the same person you've always been, but, on the other, be a new creation. How is it possible to be both? I know now because I've experienced it.  

I had a conversation with the social worker early in my 10 day detox and she told me that, of course detox is going to be challenging because it was very literally the beginning of my new life - a life without alcohol and valium. That idea really stayed with me. I was beginning a new life. It wasn't just wishful thinking or some theological sleight of hand; it was a solid reality - the fact that I stopped drinking and thereby began a new life.

Before, I never imagined that I could be in the position I am in now where I just won't ever drink, ever again. It's not will-power or self-discipline. I don't have to resist temptation. I'm fortunate to have learned that drinking alcohol is incompatible with life for me. My biggest failures taught me that lesson. The first failure happened after I had stopped drinking previously for a couple of years. Someone was encouraging me to have a drink and I thought - what's the harm? I can just go back to not drinking tomorrow. But I didn't. I found myself back in the cycle of regular drinking. So, that's the first lesson. 

The second failure and major lesson was what led to me going to detox. I was tapering off Valium and my Doctor forced me to reduce a bit faster than I could handle. I thought about how I was going to cope and decided to drink to get through it - not excessively, just enough to manage. Just like it was a lie that I could have one or two drinks and then go back to sobriety, it was a lie that I could drink just enough to cushion myself from the suffering of a taper that was a little too fast. When you think about what valium and other benzos are, and what alcohol is, it makes sense that it wouldn't work. But to say that it didn't work is an understatement. It destroyed me. Alcoholism took hold real fast. I was drinking at least 2 bottles of red wine every day, and I needed to just to function - to do anything. I knew that it was killing me - destroying my mental and physical health - but I was stuck in the cycle. 

That lasted for 5 or 6 months, and then I went into detox, which saved my life. The staff at the detox facility I was at are amazing. I had more than one truly life-changing conversation while I was there. I started eating better. It was the beginning of my new life, as messy and terrifying and intense but exciting and joyous as new life is.