dogs of war

For some reason, with my daily goals, I've stopped doing the ones that you would think would be most helpful - like: reading about or watching videos about self-help and positive thinking, and practicing meditation/ mindfulness/ relaxation. 

There are certain YouTube channels that are specifically about benzo withdrawal and I used to watch them a lot, and I got a lot out of them, but I don't watch them any more. 

I wonder why. Maybe it's because I don't want that narrative to be one of the main stories in my life, even though I could tell it as a meaningful story. I think that's it. I want to own the stories I tell. 

Their story is not my story. 

This month has been tough. It's demoralizing...a year has gone by and it seems like lately things have been getting worse. It's getting harder, which is scary. So, I'm thinking about that and trying to answer my dilemma with the positive message from these YouTubers, and it doesn't work any more. I'm doing it all wrong. I'm recovering wrong, and I'm not getting better. 

But then, instead of thinking about this same old struggle, I want to think about other things. I'm sick of hearing the positive message about how I can get through this. I don't believe it. Years go by and I'm not better, and come to think of it, I've never really known what it's like to be mentally healthy anyway. 

I realized something. I've become really interested in a dog breed that is often used by the police and the military: the Belgian Malinois. They have that fully committed quality that is so impressive. I was walking to the shop and thinking as I so often do that I want relief. I don't want to be distressed any more. 

But I was also thinking about how cool these dogs are, and it made me see my struggles in a different light. It's good to be going through challenges and to endure. I want to thrive in the midst of the fight, and just by virtue of the challenges I'm going through, I have something to take pride in. That is something I have. I have my own struggle, and my struggle doesn't make me weak, it makes me formidable.