wounds from a friend

Stopping drinking is hard. I've been fortunate in at least 2 ways. Firstly, the challenge of stopping drinking was overshadowed by the challenge of coming off Valium. It wasn't that hard to not drink again because I was engaged in the greater struggle of tapering off Valium. The other way that I was fortunate was that when my drinking problem got severe it happened very quickly and unexpectedly. 

I had turned to alcohol to help me cope with the challenge of tapering off Valium, and that was a more dangerous dynamic than I realized. It just took a hold and I was locked in this vicious cycle where I needed to drink to do anything at all, and my drinking was driving my anxiety and depression and my further reliance on alcohol. It was a hellish situation mentally and physically. 

I didn't know what to expect when I went in for detox. I imagined it was going to be really hard, but the not drinking part wasn't hard. The anxiety and so on, from withdrawing from Valium was hard. I knew that I was saving my life by going through detox. 

When you're drinking, you imagine that life without drinking is going to be unpleasant and boring, but the opposite is true. 

Since I stopped, I'm not even tempted to drink. It's death. It's literally death to me. That's why the only two times that I did actually have a drink - 2 times not long after detox - were the times when I had decided to kill myself, because I was going to die anyway. The reason why I was going to kill myself was to do with Valium withdrawal. I couldn't see any viable future. Not just that I couldn't see a future. I couldn't live in the present. But then, by the grace of God, I found a doctor who worked with me on a taper and I was able to very gradually ween myself off Valium, which I'm still doing. 

I don't crave alcohol. I don't get tempted. It's not an option. Someone said to me around the time I came out of detox, that 'the price of freedom is eternal vigilance'....they were saying that it would always be an issue and I would need to take steps to make sure I didn't fall back into drinking. But no, that's not true for me, because when you taste real freedom, you have no desire to be enslaved again. Why would you? 

how not to apologize

The first I heard of him was when he released his second apology video, ostensibly apologizing for his extensive plagiarism. He definitely has some story telling ability but he uses it to try to explain, in a very convoluted way, why what he did was OK, and to justify it, rather than actually apologizing. 

ആ∞ቒ🍒🍭१

On pinterest, I used to call each board by a name that represented what I pinned on that board - like, for example, fashion, food, art, art journals, etc. But then I started wanting to give my boards cryptic, interesting names like - rkane, graff, spring, and +plus+. Finally, I just started posting anything on any board, so that the name of the board isn't an indicator of what's on there. 

พ丯ቴね📱🀄🌓

I was talking to someone about why I like John Ajvide Lindqvist's books even though I'm not usually a horror book enthusiast....how he puts an interesting twist on stories, like he wrote about a little girl who was a vampire, and she said, so there's a tension, and I said yes, but inwardly I was kind of blown away because she articulated something that is one of my major, life-long preoccupations - the centrality of tension to all forms of creative expression

ֆヤのকあ

I remember times when things were so bleak. I didn't know that it was possible for things to be so dark, life to be so painful and to be under mental stress all the time. 

I remember the day that it started. Nothing major happened. I don't know exactly what triggered it. I have some idea. It was a terrifying state of mind that I was plunged into and it lasted 3 or 4 years. Each year I would think, maybe I will get better this year. 

I did eventually get better when I started a particular medication in 2014, but at the same time I started taking Valium. Then 7 years later, things weren't going so well again. I was drinking as well, and having problems with anxiety and depression, and those problems were made worse by Valium and alcohol. 

Then in 2021, I got serious about tapering off Valium. Regardless of what anybody else says - all the experts - let me tell you the reality, at least for me. Tapering off Valium, even gradually, put me back in a mental place as bad as I experienced between 2010 and 2014. 

Again, it's been 3 years, and I'm starting to emerge. I'm starting to come to life and be able to breathe. 

ጾæ꺿[6]ጱ

Lately I’ve been reading the King James version of the Bible. I don’t completely understand what I read, but that’s a good thing — it gives me something to think about and write about. Whatever part I don’t understand becomes a focal point through which I enter into a deeper engagement with the whole passage. 

ຣ🎗🌌やפ

true story: in high school, Grimes was accused of throwing a snowball at the queen further details

メዖ૭及キя

when someone likes something I wrote or gives me positive feedback about it, I go back and read what I wrote again, as if to share the experience of appreciation

твърд

I'm used to pushing myself into ever greater difficulty - pushing myself even though it never gets any easier

горш

changes for the better are more disturbing than changes for the worse 

art LIV

killers

I watched an interview of a celebrity and he was saying that he's glad that his alcoholism was so bad that he didn't have a choice about stopping. That's true for me as well. 

It's similar with valium. I was forced to change. 

new

I'm excited about where I'm at with my Valium taper. Things have really changed in the last couple of weeks. I feel a lot better and I'm noticeably less reliant on Valium and fully coming off Valium is a realistic proposition in the near future. 

Life is very different now. It has been like living through a nightmare the last couple of years and it seemed like it was going to continue to be just as challenging indefinitely - like this was my new reality. 

It's a vindication. People didn't believe me. They thought I ought to be able to taper off in a few weeks at most or just stop cold turkey. I could just stop and it may be difficult for a few weeks but then things would improve. They assured me I could do that and told me about other people they know who have done that. And I didn't know. Maybe they're right. After all, they are experts: doctors, nurses, social workers, psychologists. 

So I thought that maybe there is just something wrong with me. Maybe this painful mental condition is just my destiny. But no - I am feeling HEAPS better. The state I was in was not how I'm destined to live the rest of my life. 

Even if that was the rest of my life, I was resolved to live my new life - to exercise every day, have a quiet time every day, work every day, eat healthily every day, do meaningful activities like reading and art every day, and all my other daily goals. I started living my new life when it was hard and I'm going to continue because it's my life now.