Waking Up

One positive development lately is that my sleep has improved a bit again. I say 'again' because there has been other increments of improvement. I still don't ever sleep past 5 am, but between say, 10.30 pm and 5 am, I can usually get some good unbroken sleep, and maybe wake up once or twice. 

There was even a day recently when I woke up and I felt restful and refreshed. I haven't felt that in a long time. Usually I wake up and I'm immediately stressed, and I'm aware of how extremely tired I am. 

I still can't sleep during the day, not ever, in the last 2 or 3 years. When the time comes that I can sleep during the day, I will know then that I am truly better. It's good having that period at night when I'm pretty confident that I can get some sleep. It builds a sense of security, that I don't have when I can't sleep during the day and I can't necessarily sleep, or at least sleep for very long, at night. It feels like there's no escape when that's the case. 

That's how it's been to some extent continuously for the last 16 months. 

That stress I feel on first waking is like a particular kind of angst. Sometimes it feels like the turmoil that my sleeping brain has been working through, seeping into my woken self. Other times it's like the waves of fear and pain from my daytime life engulfing me as soon as I wake. In any case, it's a transitory phase. 

Something I've learnt, especially from working through withdrawal, is to reframe that mental experience - to think about it differently. Instead of thinking, oh no - here we go. Another day of suffering. More pain. More of this never-ending vicious cycle, I think, this is a good process. This is my brain being renovated and healing. I'm healing and growing and changing. 

That helps as well, because I know that it's true.