Every day, I get up at 5 am or before to walk the dogs. Most days I actually wake up before 5. This morning I woke up at 4 and tried to sleep again, but wasn't able to, so I got up at 4.30.
As soon as I wake up, I'm stressed. That's why I can't go back to sleep. It's not the same as the stress of having a lot to do. It's the stress of my inner drama - anxiety, depression, rumination, benzo withdrawal.
I keep thinking, how can it still be like this? If there was some knowable process of recovery happening, that would be reassuring, but there's no end in sight for this.
I do see improvement though. About a year ago, even going for a walk outside was difficult, and going into Coles and buying a couple of things was extremely challenging. People who have experienced agoraphobia and extreme anxiety will understand how those things could be challenging.
But now I can go into Coles and buy multiple things and I just take that for granted. For a while it was like, I could go in and buy one thing and quickly go through the self checkout, feeling dizzy and like I was going to pass out, but I got through it. Going to another aisle, away from the checkouts, and then walking back to the checkouts was extremely challenging. Anxiety makes it hard to walk. Now, like I said, I can buy multiple things.
I noticed the difference in stages. At first, it was hard to leave my room and leave the house, and I would walk up the road and back home, and feel no sense of achievement or relief. But I kept doing that every day. Then I noticed that I felt good about going out for a walk. In the midst of depression, feeling good about something is really noticeable.
Around that time as well, my doctor suggested that I do something crazy, so I decided I was going to run every day. I'm still doing that, and it's been about 9 months of running nearly every day.
I'm eating better than I ever have - eating lots of fruit and vegetables and other unprocessed foods, doing a lot of cooking. One bad habit I've developed is eating too much chocolate.
That came about because it was one of the things that made me feel better. I'd spend my days engulfed in the stress of depression, anxiety and, I guess, the effects of benzo withdrawal, although I don't really know. Who knows? I just know my experience and that that experience is shared by some people and some people show some understanding of this issue, and that I'm tapering and making gradual progress but it's really hard.
So, anyway, the days were a lot tougher than they are now, and I would walk to the shops, and buy some chocolate, and come home. In those days, I liked watching positive videos. As I've written before, it was like being cold all the time....all the time, 24/7, but these little things would warm me up a little bit for a while.
I'm really faltering, and just doing normal things is still challenging, but I'm starting to do some really worthwhile things. I'm starting to live and do stuff. I'm starting to create.
I once saw a man in the city and he was selling pens. He had a very eclectic mix of pens, and he was walking around asking people if they wanted to buy a pen. He was wearing a sign that said something like, 'I've been knocked down, but I'm getting up again.'
There was something so moving and inspiring about that, to me. It's more impressive than someone doing well by hard work or ability. That's admirable as well. But when you've been knocked down, to decide to get up, and to be open about it - to say, yeah, I've been knocked down, but I'm getting up, and then to get up - to get up! It's awesome. There's nothing more inspiring.
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