renovation

The cool thing about the point I'm at now in my taper is that I can envisage the rest of it. I understand the mechanics and I have it planned out. That wasn't the case before. I've always felt at the mercy of this very difficult process. 

Another thing I notice is how I feel. On the one hand there are real and clear indicators that I'm getting through this. I'm coming off valium. I can do a lot of things that I couldn't do. Like going into the shop and buying stuff. I could always do it but it was very challenging. A lot of the challenges just aren't there any more, but they have been replaced by new ones. 

The main thing I have felt from late last year into this year is bewilderment about why I am still struggling so much. It seems like it doesn't get easier, when you would think, if I'm healing, it would get easier. But then today I was thinking that it's good that it's like this - that it's such a struggle - because this is what growing and healing are like. 

Healing is not accompanied by a growing sense of comfort and ease - no, it's more like you have to fight and work hard and give your all, and as you do that you become strong, and stop struggling. It brings to mind the saying that it's always darkest before the dawn. 

Before a breakthrough, you don't feel like you're making progress. You feel like all your efforts are not making any difference and the struggle is endless, and it's continuing that work and continuing to try even though it's hopeless, that manifests a new you.