permanence

I hold onto my pain really tightly - holding it to myself. My attention is riveted by it and I daren't look away. 

I'm learning to let go though, somehow. 

The great thing about this process of positive change is that it's all one way. Like with my taper for example, I keep reducing and reducing, and each reduction is permanent. I'm never going to increase my dose ever again. Even aside from the formal reductions I'm making in how much valium I'm getting and taking, there's a process underway whereby I'm becoming less reliant on it. The reductions are in increments, but the process is always going, and I'm always pushing myself. 

An analogy that I heard about recovery and withdrawal and sobriety and all that kind of stuff is that it's like chopping down a tree. It may be hard work, but once you get to the turning point and the tree falls, that's it. You don't need to work on it anymore.