struggles

Sometimes I feel trapped in a really painful state of brokenness. It's like I'm breaking down and there's a real fearful resignation about it. 

There are a lot of vicious cycles - insomnia, anxiety, worry, depression, not eating. Recovery is impossible, or so it seems. 

But I'm learning to say, no, it doesn't have to be like that - to say it's going to be OK, and that I don't have to believe that story. I'm not broken. I'm not stuck. 

I felt really helpless and weak lately, and trapped. I prayed that God would help me and give me strength, revive me. 

This struggle also relates to the big picture in my life. The change from withdrawal and rumination to action and engagement. When I'm really being crushed by depression, that corresponds to inactivity. I can't do literally anything and I'm just stuck in pain. 

That's my old life. As real as it seems, it's passing. Sometimes it seems like the opposite. Depression and maladjustments seem permanent, but they aren't. 

So yeah, for now and for today, I have this hope, that there is something better, that the pain is not my truth. Here I'm using hope in the Biblical sense. It's not something that may or may not happen. It's true.