from here

I was surprised to learn that, when it was a new development, impressionism was considered to be radical and transgressive. People wondered if it was even art, because it was so different from what was called art at that time. 

At first, I was surprised because, to my mind, impressionism is the epitome of fine art, but when I thought about it, it made sense. That's how art develops. 

exigency

When I'm feeling tired, there are two ways to wake myself up. I can either have a coffee or read Simone Weil. 

dark times

Years ago, I read Leon Uris's Mila 18, about one of the darkest periods in human history - a book about war, terror, depravity and triumph. There's a scene early in the book when one of the main characters pulls this book of poetry off his shelf and reads from it, seeking a kind of consolation. I remember that more clearly than anything else in the book, although, when I look for it, I can't find it. That's OK. The idea of it is probably better than the text. 

something made

To represent something in a book or a film, accurately, you have to distort it and craft it. Anything absolutely authentic would be unbelievable. 

moodible

The reason you have two ears is so that you can listen to two things at once. If you're just listening to one video or podcast at a time, you're missing out. 

out of body

I was listening to Ethel Caine when my dog attacked. I said, 'Don't sink in me with your dog teeth'. 

freedom and bondage

We long for freedom, but we think that freedom is about doing what you want, when actually it's as much about doing what you don't want than it is about doing what you want. 

When you just do what you want and only that, you aren't free, you're a slave to your desires. 

a kind of selflessness

I'm reading my way through all of Patrick White's novels and short story collections. I finished The Vivisector, which I've actually read before, and today I started on A Fringe of Leaves. At first I felt like it was OK, but then, once it got going with the main story, it was like - yes, this is good stuff...this is great literature. 

There's that unmistakable thing. Is it always the same thing? It feels like it in a way. It's a kind of vividness and immediacy. It's a kind of flow, where you cease to be aware that you're reading a book, and you experience the story. 

signs and portents

Being able to be interested in things seems like such a small matter. It's a low bar. But to me it's huge, because depression takes that from you, so to be able to hold that interest is a precious gift. 

human

The ability I have to create in writing and in art, brings me life even in the midst of darkness. 

stimming

I was reading a book the other day, and someone asked me what the book is about. I answered the question and then straight afterwards I had to go off and do something else, but I felt pretty good about my answer. I hadn't realized that's what I thought until I said it, and then afterwards I was pleased because I thought it was a good take on the book. I summed up the whole thing in a few words on the spot without any warning. 

Then afterwards it occurred to me that I wasn't really giving the other person an overview of the book or an outline of its thesis. In some ways I was giving them that but more so I was giving them my response to the book. 

appreciation

After exhibiting Andy Warhol's set of 32 Campbell's soup cans, Irving Blum told Warhol that he thought they were truly profound. He promised Andy that the set would be kept together and that, one day, they would be housed in a great art museum, and that's what happened. 

Blum bought the set for $1,000.00 in 1962, sending Warhol a cheque for $100 each month for 10 months. Now they're in The Museum of Modern Art in New York City, and they are estimated to be worth at least $250 Million. 

academise

There are some academic type books where it's very clear you're reading that kind of book. They are verbose, and with all the words there is a lack of substance. The writer wants to get into the intricacies of their great ideas, and I could be wrong, but it seems like they're more intent on demonstrating their knowledge and intelligence than helping the reader to understand. It becomes so ethereal and sophisticated that it loses all bearing on the real world or any questions that are interesting. It's a performance mainly for the benefit of other academics. 

I have to confess though....the reason I recognize it and hate it so much is because I do it in my academic writing. I want to use language well and sound 'academic' but all that machinery actually obscures the point. It doesn't project the point.

When you read the really great scholars though, it's never like that. Like Harold Bloom for example. There is power and meaning behind his words. He conveys very complex ideas and uses language masterfully, but when you read Bloom, you're always getting something, whether it's just a joke or some new insight into the subject. His work is accessible whatever level you're at. If you're a beginner you will get something from it, and if you're advanced, you will still get something from it. 

That is true genius - that ability to communicate great ideas in a way that people get them. Think of Shakespeare. He wrote 400 years ago and we're still captivated by him, still studying him, reading him and watching his plays. 

the thing

Nothing and no one can stop you from doing what you want, but we place so much importance on other people's response to what we do that we feel like we can't do things unless we're going to make money from them or be critically acclaimed. 

So, the actual activity becomes secondary, and the most important thing is the response, which is crazy. Doing that thing ought to be what it's all about. 

now for something else.

Andy Warhol said: "Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art."

I love that quote and I think it applies to writing as well. I obsess over my writing, wanting to include all the right points in the right order, but I've learnt to just get it done and then move onto the next thing. There are so many things I want to write about, so I end up trying to include a lot of things in each piece, when it's better to express something that embodies the tension between the fullness of the idea and the limits of time and corporality, and complete it and then move on to something else. 

The end of this post but not this blog. 

gimme shelter

Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12: 7 - 11

The most trying challenges are the ones that you can't see the end of. You can't see a good end. For me it's depression and anxiety. I fall into these nasty vicious cycles. For example, not being able to sleep and depression, and they fuel each other. Earlier in my taper I could say that I was going through this particular challenge because I'm still tapering, and that's probably true. Then, as I continued to taper - once I got down to around 2 x 2 mg of Valium a week - my sleep dramatically improved, and it was so good. But then, a couple of weeks ago, I started having trouble sleeping again, and I'm back in that cycle again. It seems unrelenting. Night after night after night, for weeks, having disturbed sleep and waking up already exhausted and feeling dizzy and disoriented and heavily fatigued all day. 

What I want is relief, but I've learnt that relief is not the answer. The way forward is to achieve a kind of battle-hardenedness, where you're going through all the challenges but you do what you need to do anyway. Your joy returns. Your strength returns. It feels good because your challenges aren't on top of you. You are on top of them. 

scientific fact

The biggest ant is the LFant. 

essense

We have this idea that we're so fragile and under immense pressure and on the verge of breaking, and that's all just a story that we tell ourselves. Your inner self, your soul, your spirit is not just strong, it's unbreakable, unquenchable. 

As Emerson wrote, The soul will not know either deformity or pain.

a kind of hangover

I'm used to building sandcastles right on the edge of the surf and they just get washed away completely, but lately something endures. 

ebb and flow

The past seems more real and tangible. We think of the past as leading us to where we are now, but because the future hasn't happened yet, we don't think of it as having any substance. The truth is that it's probably as real as the past, and as much as our will, decisions, experiences from the past push us forward, our future pulls us forward into itself. 

making a mark

With the best writers, you feel like something is being depicted beyond what they are depicting. It's like how an artist can give an impression of a highly expressive face or gesture with just a few squiggly lines. 

the voice

I appreciate that books don't audibly speak. They speak in other ways, but they don't have an audible voice. They just wait. They don't compete with each other or try to sell themselves, and yet, when you choose one to read, it will give you all it has. Then, if you decide not to read further, it's not resentful. It won't complain or take things personally or be passive aggressive or self-pitying or sabotage your reading by holding back important information.

would you fight for my love

It's surprisingly hard to put down the weight that is crushing your spirit, because you think that if you let go it will crush you for sure. 

deferrance satisfied

The first book I read by James Fenimore Cooper, the main impression I had was how boring it was. It was very earthy and basic, like a cabin in the woods. 

I didn't finish that book even though I had to read it for a course I was doing. Then, later I felt differently about his work. I recognized something of value in it, even if my initial feeling was that it was boring. 

I collect books that I haven't really enjoyed, because of their literary merit. Like Ulysses by James Joyce, and Samuel Beckett's trilogy of novels, and The Man Without Qualities by Robert Musil, and Proust's In Search of Lost Time, and many others. That sense of literary merit independent of enjoyment or even appreciation, is a value shared by a lot of my books. Sometimes, of course, there's both - enjoyment and literary merit, and I find that literary merit feeds into enjoyment, although not always directly. 

different reactions

Going to the Kinokuniya bookshop in Sydney, and looking in the 'literary criticism' and 'essays' sections often makes me want to write. No other section has that effect, and no other bookstore either. 

At the start of Anna Karenina, Tolstoy tells us that happy families are all the same but unhappy families are all different. They're unhappy 'in their own way' he tells us. I would say that, with bookshops, it's the opposite. All the really good bookshops I know are very distinctive. They have their own flavor. 

Somehow, they don't even have the same books. You would think they would - that being good bookshops they would have the good books - but it seems like there are so many good books out there that each good bookshop can stock a different selection of good books. 

new eyes

When I first read The Catcher in the Rye, I didn't really get it. I didn't understand the symbolism or see the artistry in Salinger's work. If I read it now, I would probably have a better sense of those things. 

ig

I sometimes forget that Instagram is used for things other than art.