reading poetry

I don't really understand or appreciate poetry. I have no sense of it. Some people can read poetry and say whether it's good or not. I don't know the difference. Generally, when I first read a poem I have little to no idea what it's even about, and sometimes even on further reading that's the case. But I've found a way in to poetry - a way of appreciating it - and that is through 'close reading' - reading through it a line at a time and writing and thinking about it...thinking about what the writer is expressing. 

Writing is an important part of that process. 

What I've learnt is that, whatever meaning you can read into the poem, is valid. I don't really know why, but I know it's true. I didn't used to think I could understand poetry at all. I remember very clearly something that happened when I was first learning about poetry in high school. I found it quite interesting learning about the different techniques. We were studying one particular poem and I was really getting a sense of what it was about and enjoying the process. So, we were having a discussion and I shared my thoughts. I identified a particular technique that I thought the poet was using. But the teacher said I was wrong. The poet wasn't using that technique. 

I know now that I wasn't wrong. I would still say the same thing today about that poem that I said back then. Maybe I worded it wrong, but I was really onto something. I was understanding the poem. I think what probably happened was that the teacher had in mind particular techniques that they wanted us to identify and I said the wrong technique. 

But that's the thing about poetry and other literature...the power of the text is greater than the combination of all the techniques. 

a better place

Sometimes, just the possibility of something makes all the difference. I think that, in our minds, there's less of a barrier between possibility and actuality than there is in our lives and our engagement with the world.  

Lately I've been on a kind of quest and I have to change my thinking, which is not easy. Recently I had the thought - what if I could just stop and reframe my thinking in a certain way? The reality right now is that I can't. I can't just stop ruminating and be positive. But then I thought - it's possible. I may not be able to achieve it just yet, but I believe it's possible - and there was something about that that gave me hope, and actually helped me to change my thinking and how I was feeling. 

Sometimes, for me, normality or peace or feeling OK seems so far away and there are so many difficult issues between me and that state, but the truth is that that better place in my mind is right there...there is no barrier stopping me from entering, except the scary stories I tell myself, and more and more I'm learning to see through those stories - to realize that they aren't true. 

a strange kind of action

The solution to rumination is not to fight it but to take positive steps and start to push back against it. When you try to address it directly - like for example, if you try to internally dispute your worries or negative perceptions - you just get drawn back into rumination. It's like that thought pattern is so deeply ingrained in your mind, that if your thoughts are anywhere near that issue, they will fall into that pattern.

What I've been learning and practicing for a while now is that the solution to rumination is action - consistent engagement in beneficial action....working on certain things every day. Starting small, but being consistent and building. Making progress and doing more happens naturally in time, because the things you are doing become habitual. It seems really hard at first. That's why I think you need to be going through some kind of crisis to make this change. It has to be a matter of life and death otherwise it seems impossible. 

When I use the word 'action' I'm not necessarily referring to physical activity, although that's a kind of action, but I'm talking about being occupied. So, for example, reading is a kind of action, as is writing, making art, talking to people, cooking, eating. Strangely, even relaxing or meditating is a kind of action - it's something positive that you engage in. 

transluscience

We're under the illusion that the way we perceive things is pretty objective, but that isn't the case. We inhabit the stories we tell ourselves. 

You don't know what you think of events and ideas until later. We're all influenced by the stories that other people tell us. We believe them. 

The truth is always complicated. When we put the truth into words it always involves distortion and reduction. You need to resign yourself to that otherwise you will never write a word. 

reflection

Changing is not like I expected. I never would have done it. I know that I would have just continued to coast. I think a lot about how weak I am, but I'm actually not weak at all. I just selectively apply criteria that allow me to think that. I look at people doing things in situations I'm not in - like for example, youtubers - and I tell myself that I could never do that. I rehash in my mind all of the ways I've been rejected or humiliated or felt less than, and I measure myself accordingly. 

But I've started to think about the ways I have authentically changed and the battles that I have fought and am still fighting, and I see myself in a different light. 

lore

I keep an ongoing to-do list, and I'm adding to it all the time. The problem is that it's not organised. I include different kinds of things. There are admin tasks and life goals, and a whole range of different things. Another problem is that I have to read through the whole list when I'm thinking about what I need to do. And, when I do that, the things I don't really want to do get put off. 

I think if I had a good system, the system would dictate which task I do on any particular day, and I wouldn't have to think about it. Maybe bullet journaling is a solution. I actually really like very elaborate systems and rules. I really do like rules even though I hate them. I'm constantly working on a system of rules that I can apply to eliminate the need for me to think and I'm also constantly complicating those rules because I need to think. 

It's a dialectical process. I want nothing more than to know exactly what I should do all the time, but I also want to figure that out.

It's like when you play a video game. As you get better at it, you get into the rhythm and you're able to perform well just by following the patterns you've learnt, but it stops being satisfying if that's all there is...just following the patterns you've learnt mechanically. The rules need to always be at risk of failing (or maybe you fail to follow them) and then you have to react and think on your feet. As you do that, your system becomes more complex, rich and compelling. 

self expression

You'll never know what it's like to be somebody else and to think the way they do. What I create is never a direct reflection of what I think. It's a different thing. Even writing is a different thing. We can write in response to what we think, but we can't put our thoughts directly and fully into writing. 

That's why having conversations is so enjoyable...it's a creative thing where we choose what we want to represent and how we represent it. Representing ourselves is an act of creation. 

self fulfilling

We all need God's grace, and we also all need to go through challenges. Both are blessings. 

I have this tendency that is common in people who struggle with depression. I think there's something wrong with me. Then because I think that, it colors my perception of events and it becomes my reality. So, just as an example, say that I have the idea that, when choosing teams for a game, no one is going to pick me because I'm not as good at the game as everyone else. 

There's nothing wrong with that in itself. Who cares? It's not a reflection of my value if I'm not good at some sport or any sport or I'm not smart or good looking or whatever. The problem is, I think that's the case. I think I'm worth less and that there's something wrong with me. So, I'm seeing this act of choosing teams as a judgement of my worth, and that insecurity comes across, and I don't get chosen. No one else cares and because they don't care they get chosen. Or, if they don't get chosen, it's not a big deal. But I see it as confirmation. 

The way I think about myself is constantly being reinforced. When it comes to our sense of self, we're like bats. Bats navigate and hunt their prey by emitting ultrasonic sound waves. How long it takes for the signal to return tells the bat how far away things are. It's pretty amazing. We do something similar. We're constantly sending out signals and situating ourselves by the response we get. Just like with bats, this all happens very fast and it's not something we're fully conscious of. 

When you think there's something wrong with you, you are constantly sending out that signal and people are just relaying it back to you. That's not their judgement necessarily. It's your judgement and you're sending it out to the world and it's being reflected back at you. 

momentum

If you start with 1 cent and double it every day, after 31 days, you will have more than 10 million dollars. That's the power of exponential growth, and it's also a lesson about the momentum that you build by being consistent. 

This is something I've been learning about this year. I've been moving away from rumination and towards being more active, and my unit of activity is my daily goals. It doesn't matter if you start small, when you do certain things every day you build momentum. 

Your efforts may seem insignificant, like that 1 cent, but when you continue to do the same things every day, the exponential effect kicks in.