in expression

sometimes it's hard to just keep going. normal interactions and simple, routine tasks are overwhelming. making progress - for example, eating a healthier diet or doing more exercise - is difficult when you're struggling to do the bare minimum. And there are so many things like that - areas where you need to improve or get your life in order - clean and tidy your room/house, do your laundry....and all your other personal goals. When things are a mess, maintaining order is not possible because the order is not in place to maintain. all the issues combined keep you trapped and stuck 

and then you look at the way other people succeed in life in different areas and it makes you feel worse because you can't do what they seem to do so naturally - you can't even begin. I know that's not fair....that everyone has their own struggles, but I'm expressing my thoughts, even though I know they are distorted 

I also know that there is the other side. there are things that I can do - things I can do well - that some other people can't. 

there's a certain state of mind where everything seems wrong or inferior. Like, if I'm trying to think of something to write, every idea I think of, I will entertain it for a moment, and then be like, no, I can't write that, because....so it's just a lot of thinking and no writing. there was one time when i didn't censor myself in that way and I wrote 900 pages in a few months. I basically wrote a book (although I didn't publish it)...simply because I just allowed myself to express my thoughts and feelings without censorship, as they came to me. I was also writing a lot at that time....that was the main thing I was doing besides working, eating, sleeping, etc 

that's depression - that inability to write or speak...it closes you down. that's kind of the essence - or one of the essential features - of depression - that 'stuckness', but with lots of thought - a lot going on inside, but it's going round and round like worry and there's no resolution. 

I think that's one of the main reasons why people don't talk about depression. There's something inexpressible about it - something that even defies expression, not just in the sense that it's hard to talk or write about but in the sense that it's opposed to or closes down expression. Maybe it's to do with meaning. depression is an absence of meaning....there's nothing to express

but that's why writing can be powerful....it's a way of making meaning