burning down the house

This change I'm going through, of moving to being more active and engaged instead of ruminating and withdrawing, is difficult. It's like I've built the house I live in out of rumination. It's what I know. It's my comfort zone. We ruminate and worry because we do get something from them. They are attempts at dealing with things, albeit maladjusted ones. 

Some of the things I'm learning on this journey are:

• I'm learning to recognise when I ruminate and to see those thoughts as untrue. It's real progress being able to recognise when I'm thinking that way - being aware of it as a thought or a story, rather than accepting it as reality. I think the reason that I notice it now is because I'm not doing it all the time, like I used to. I still do it a lot but now I'm able to recognise it for what it is: a distortion and a lie. 

• I don't have to wait for the storm to pass, I don't have to wait for my brain to be rewired...I can proactively engage in recovery and my new life. My new life and recovery are represented by my daily goals. 

• I'm learning to start small and be consistent. I might need to do a scaled-down version of some goals. I might not do some of them very well. It might be more of an attempt than an achievement in some cases. It might not be as meaningful or enjoyable as I would hope. But I can try every day. I can do these things on good days and bad days.

The effects of doing my daily goals instead of ruminating:

• The positive effect of choosing action and occupation instead of rumination - changing my life/ living my new life
• The positive effect of the actual activity e.g. exercise improves my physical and mental health
• The building of good, healthy, life-enhancing habits
• Unhealthy and harmful habits and ways of coping will diminish with time and have less of a grip on me

It seems to me that there are obstacles in the way of me achieving my daily goals, but I'm learning that that's not true. It's as if I have a compelling inner narrative that demands my attention and stops me from doing things. It's really like that. That narrative is my rumination. I've been learning to break that down and to just do all the things, and it's changing me.