changes

I went to a public primary school, and then, for high school, first two years I went to a private, all-boys, Catholic school, with the understanding that I would transfer to a co-ed Catholic school at the start of year 9. The new school I started at in year 9 was still being built in those first two years. When we all started, the school only consisted of years 7 to 9, then when my year group moved to year 10, it went from 7 to 10 and so on. So we were always the seniors. We were the pioneers. 

The move from primary school to high school was a huge culture shock for me. It was a very disciplined environment and I was used to a very free and easy environment. We had a uniform inspection every morning and if your shoes weren't clean and shiny enough you got the cane. There was 1 or 2 hours of homework every week night and if you even missed one sentence, you got the cane. I was used to not really having any homework. The first week we had PE and I don't think anyone knew that we were meant to bring a change of clothes, but because we didn't, pretty much the whole year group got the cane. 

It was a pretty intense time in a whole range of ways. On the one hand, I was suddenly in a much more grown up world, with responsibilities and standards I had to meet, but on the other hand, we year 7 students were referred to as the little kids because we were the youngest in the school. 

I think things eased up after a while, discipline-wise, and definitely, at the new school I started at in year 9, things were more easy going. It was like a different world again. Moving from primary to high school was like a different world and then moving from one school to another was likewise. And then the jump from year 10 to year 11 was once again a whole different world. That's a recurring pattern, actually: each new phase of life is like a different world. 

entertained to death

I don't really like moving images. The thought of having an image that is always moving disturbs me for some reason. But I'm interested in animation. I started learning how to animate with Clip Studio Paint and other art software, and so far, I made a gif, but like I said, I don't like images like that, where the action is really short and repeated over and over. 

With social media, it's easy to get drawn into a state of passive consumption. There's so much that's interesting. It's easy to watch TikTok after TikTok or video after video or to scroll through post after post after post and you feel like you really need to engage. You feel like it's important, but it's actually not. We're like kids who don't want to go to bed and beg to just stay up five more minutes to watch just one more cartoon or whatever. 

I don't know the solution to this problem but I have some ideas. First of all, I think we need to parent ourselves. We need to see the danger of mindless scrolling. It's not harmless. When we catch ourselves doing it, just stop and do something more proactive. Instead of watching yet another youtube video or TikTok that someone else has made, make something yourself - make a youtube video or TikTok yourself or write something or make some art or learn something. Occupy yourself with things that are worthwhile and productive. Set the terms yourself, rather than letting the world set them for you.   

goals

I'm usually wrong about the future. There's always a sense in which we know what's coming, to some extent, but the reality of it is a surprise, so we don't really know what's coming. We know some of the parameters, but we can't fully know what it's going to be like until we experience it, and when we experience it, it's no longer the future; something else is in the future. 

Sometimes, if we are too intently focused on some future goal, it squeezes the life out of the present. It's worth remembering that we don't really know what's going to happen, and we aren't in control of it. At the same time, we have more influence than we sometimes realise over how things will play out. We exercise that influence through the way we live today. 

For most of my life I've been captivated by the idea of having goals. There have been times when I didn't have goals - I was just living my life - but then I decided that it would be a good idea to have some goals. So, I sat down to make a list of goals, and I couldn't think of anything. I didn't know how to think about it. How do you come up with goals? What did I want? I don't know. If I wanted something, wouldn't I be pursuing it? 

Then I thought of a different way to approach it - to ask myself, what would I like to happen? Leaving aside all practicality and questions about what was possible and how...what would be really good? Then, a few things came to mind, and once I got started, I just kept adding to the list, and I kept adding to it in the days, weeks and months after that. 

2.0

It increases my faith when I think about the way things work out, because what seems bad leads to good. In the Bible it says: "Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children....No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." (Hebrews 12:7, 11)

When you're actually going through something that's challenging, it's hard to see it as good or as a blessing, but I think it's possible. Recovery doesn't need to be about weathering the storm and, when you get through it, you get back to how you were before the storm. Instead, the storm can be a catalyst for a new version of you that is better than how you were. 

words and ideas

I do a lot of writing when I'm walking. I don't mean physically writing, but formulating words and sentences and developing ideas. Somehow my mind just does this on its own. I don't have to consciously focus on something I'm writing, it just plays in my mind. 

It's similar to rumination in a way, except more constructive. It's amazingly detailed though. Like, if you asked me to recall, word for word, something I've written and I'm working on, I would probably struggle to do it, but there's a process running in my mind that goes through what I've written a word at a time, and goes over and over it, and then sometimes I'll come up with a better wording, other times I'll think of an idea that I want to add. The process involves ideas and words. 

Outwardly there's always a difference. What is expressed in words is always a little different from what is in your head, partly because the purpose of the words is to explain your ideas to other people and also to yourself. 

I remember when I was first learning how to structure an essay and I was so aware of the difference between the way ideas are formulated in my mind and the way to formulate them in words. You would think it would be a direct translation - that writing an essay would just be a matter of systematically conveying the ideas in your mind into words. But no - our ideas are not structured in essay form in our minds, at least my ideas aren't. 

the healing process

I remember reading The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. There are some points in that book that don't really resonate with me, but there is a lot that do. Something he wrote that does resonate with me, and that's why I remember it, is that you shouldn't do the techniques he teaches with the sole purpose of getting relief. Relief will come as a result of the techniques, but it's not a simple equation - do this and then you'll feel better. You shouldn't be monitoring yourself to see if you're feeling relief while you are practicing the techniques. 

It's easy to make that mistake when you go through mental health issues because of course, you want relief. But relief, in itself, is not the answer. The answer is more about bringing meaning to your life - doing things that enhance your life. In my experience, obsessing and ruminating over the problem actually makes the problem worse. 

It's difficult when you're really struggling - like, for example, with intense depression - and you do things that are meant to help e.g. exercising - but it doesn't really help. Sometimes when you're in mental pain, all of these things that are meant to help - like mindfulness, exercise, eating healthily, growing spiritually - they all seem like bandaids being applied to a serious wound. 

Those things do help, but they're not a quick fix. If you consistently do things that help and affirm your life and reflect your values, you begin to heal. But it's a roundabout thing. The way to pursue healing is by consistently doing all of these things - making them into habits - and a healthier life grows out of that. 

pushing back

It's easy for me to fall back into rumination, and it's like falling into a hole, or it can be. Things have changed though. There's an alternative to rumination. 

Through a lot of conversations and advice and reflection, I've learnt to push back against rumination. There have been key pieces of advice and realisations that I have used to build a framework for my life. 

There are 3 conversations that stand out to me as being really important: 

Conversation 1

This one probably happened after conversation 2 but for some reason it seems to fit better before it. There's a logical progression from 1 to 2 to 3. This conversation was about the nature of the change I need to undertake. The basic idea is that I need to move from rumination to action. I need to change from protecting and nurturing my mental health issues to protecting and nurturing my life.

Conversation 2

This is the conversation that really got me to see the change as being from an old life to a new life. 

Conversation 3

This is the conversation that really cemented the idea in my mind that the way forward and into my new life lay through being fiercely committed to achieving as many as possible of my daily goals every day. 

It was really hard at first. Safety seemed to lie in withdrawing and ruminating, and doing my daily goals felt painful and hard. But the good thing was that my life at this time was painful and hard. So I learnt that, even though I didn't feel it, the way forward lay in pushing into my daily goals and pushing away from withdrawal and rumination and what felt like comfort. Then after a while, I built some momentum. So now I'm habitually achieving a lot of my goals every day. 

notebook hijinx

I bought 5 2022 diaries. They were only $2 each, because the year is 3/4 finished, and they are great as notebooks. They have a nice, well-bound, attractive, hard cover, and, being a day to a page, they have more than 365 pages.

Notebooks this good would normally be at least 10 times the price I paid for them, but there's no demand for them - the shop where I bought them is having trouble selling them - because people don't see them as notebooks. Everyone is thinking that they are 2022 diaries, so they have very little value any more. The thing is, even as a diary, they're worth much more than $2. You could still use them as a diary. The dates are going to be the same next year. Just write the day of the week at the top of each page. It's easy to remember because every day next year will be one day later than every day this year. 

It made me think about how you can't rely on price as a reflection of value, and it made me think about how we can be blind to the value of things. Like, I've never thought about diaries in this way before. What else am I missing? How else am I blinkered by conditioning?  

ka-ching!

This year, for the first time ever, I made money from my art and design, and also for the first time, I made money from writing. It's not much so far, but I'm really excited that this is a thing - this is something I do now. 

I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot of articles about ways of making money online, and there's a lot of great content that's available for free. The reason it's free is because people have learnt that that's how you succeed - you provide a lot of content for free, and then once you're established, you can start charging for some content. 

It doesn't pay to be focused on making money, at least as your primary concern. Or maybe it does. It probably works for some people. There's something to be said for hustle culture, but I think ultimately what really leads to success is quality. I'm excited about the things I'm working on, regardless of how much I earn from them. 

As Emerson wrote, "By doing his work he makes the need felt which he can supply, and creates the taste by which he is enjoyed. By doing his own work he unfolds himself." You need to give people something they want - something of value, and the most valuable thing you have is your unique self, with your gifts and your flaws. 

stories

It's crucial that we don't understand each other. Just like matter is mostly empty space, understanding is mostly misunderstanding. 

Each of us lives in our own unique world. We don't think the same way. We're actually very quirky and strange, but we've learnt how to translate our inner world into an outer language that others can understand. What we express is never an unmediated reflection of what is within because it can't be. Language is a different medium from the contents of our minds. 

Sometimes people tell you you're wrong about your own thoughts and feelings. You tell them what you think, and they're response is, no you're wrong. Or they tell you a different story that you know for a fact isn't true. Sometimes when that happens it can be a real revelation. It's a kind of knowledge. You might have thought that maybe they understand, and now you know for sure that they don't, because the story they tell about what's going on in your mind - as they have interpretted it - is completely wrong. 

It's actually a huge moment when that happens. It's a seed of certainty or faith, which is ironic because, in their story, there's something wrong with your faith or wth your behavior or your thinking. You know you're flawed and you have issues but you also know that their story about you is even more flawed. 

on drafting

I'm reading Telling True Stories: A Nonfiction Writers' Guide, from the Nieman Foundation at Harvard University, Edited by Mark Kramer and Wendy Call, and it's absolutely fascinating. It's the perfect mix of practicality and inspiration. 

One idea expressed in the book (I think more than once) that I don't necessarily agree with though, is that there's no such thing as a good first draft...that it doesn't matter how good a writer is, their first draft is always basically rubbish. Some very famous and successful writers have said that their first drafts are always crap, which seems to confirm this idea.  

I've never really believed that much in the drafting process. Writing is, in some ways, like a performance. You prepare and make notes, and then, when you're ready to write, you want to make it good as you write it. There's something wrong if your first draft is rubbish. If you think it's rubbish, why did you write it? 

The editors of Telling True Stories are very definite about it: "No one, not even the greatest writers, creates good first drafts....[the] promising elements will reveal themselves as the writer begins to tease apart the mess with the next draft and the one after that...Good writing is far too complex to get right in one draft or two or five." (page 97) 

Another thing to consider is that technology now enables us to redraft and edit as we go, in a way that writers 40 years ago couldn't. If I'm not happy about something I just wrote, I don't need to think - OK, I'll fix that in the next draft. I can fix it now. I can also write out a plan or ideas about the structure as I go, and then write accordingly. If I think of a great way to express an idea that is going to come later, I can start writing it, and then it's there to redraft when I get to it. 

It's not the idea that editing is necessary that I object to, or even the idea that earlier drafts may not be that great, it's the absoluteness of the statement - the suggestion that there's no such thing as a good first draft - that such a thing is impossible - that, as a writer, you have to work in a particular way, you have to necessarily write a bad draft first and then heavily revise it in subsequent drafts to make it good. As Anne Rice says, the great thing about writing is that there are no rules. She even says, about her own advice to writers, 'if it's not useful to you, forget it.' (see interview here.)

piece of mind

I like listening to music or listening to videos or podcasts while I'm doing other things. You would think that if I'm doing something purely visual - like scrolling and pinning on pinterest, or doing art - that I could listen to and pay attention to a podcast or a video where someone is talking about something or having a discussion, but I can't. I can do it, but, if I get really engrossed in what I'm looking at on pinterest or the art that I'm doing, the discussion becomes like background noise and I'm only fully conscious of a word or two here and there. 

I only realised that this was the case when I was trying to scroll through pinterest and listen to an interview at the same time. I noticed that my thoughts about the images I'm looking at, crowd out my engagement with the interview. I was surprised, because I had the idea that looking at images would use a different part of my brain, so that process could go on at the same time as the process involved in listening to a discussion, but it seems like similar mental mechanisms are involved. 

I can only really give my attention to one thing at a time. I can be doing more than 1 thing - like say, I'm writing, researching, listening to music and planning something - but at any given moment, my attention will be on one of those things, and the others will be in the background. 

It makes me wonder what actually is attention and how does it work? Is the problem that the same mechanisms are operating when I listen to a discussion as when I look at art, so one will always crowd the other out, or is it that the two different mechanisms operate in different parts of my mind, but my attention can only be on one of those mechanisms at a time? I feel like the first option is more accurate but both options are too much of a simplification. They're both based on the idea that different processes in the brain happen in some kind of different space, and the brain is a lot more complex than that. When I look at and think about images on pinterest, it probably activates neural pathways all over my brain. The mind is not divided into compartments.

writing as thinking

It was a revelation to me when I learnt in a creative writing class that, to do creative writing, you don't have to have an idea to start with. You don't have to have any idea. You can just play with words and see what emerges. 

Writing like you think you are supposed to write is like drawing things the way you think they are supposed to look - it doesn't work. You have to forget you're drawing a cat and just draw the shapes and textures. It always seems so hard and complicated when you think that the task is to represent things accurately.

Something that stands out to me from everything I've heard writers say about the writing process, is that they don't know what's going to happen. What happens in the story is as much a surprise to the writer as it is to the reader, and it's that sense of anticipation - of wanting to know what's going to happen - that motivates the writer to write. I think this is the case for all kinds of writing - fiction and non-fiction.

If I already know exactly what I want to express in writing and the task is just to think about the best way to put it in words, that's kind of boring and uninspiring. What I write will be a kind of explanation. Good writing might have an element of that in it but I think it also needs to reflect some kind of progression on the part of the writer. Like, when you write your conclusion in an essay, for it to be good it has to really be your conclusion that you've come to through the process of writing the essay. 

world within

The actual experience of things is always different from the way they are represented. And sometimes we take cues about how to respond to our situation from other people's representations of that situation. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes other people do know better than us or their views have some kind of authority that we should listen to. 

But bottom line, the only person who really knows your experience and your situation is you. You can and should draw on the advice and views of others, but you have to write your own story. What you think is right for you probably is right for you. 

Within you is a vast unexplored realm that only you have access to. It can be whatever you want it to be. I think it's possible to confine yourself even though in your own realm you are free. You're held captive by narratives and strictures that the world imposes on you. You're transfixed by stories about how you are lacking - how you're not this and not that. The stories are told by a disembodied voice with no identity. You don't explore your realm - the realm that only you know about and only you have access to. 

But you can. Your realm awaits and there is no obstacle in the way. You don't have to wait.