ဈめଣ🍳ఊ❋ྈ

action is the great negater of rumination 

engagement cures depression

echoe

Something that I haven't given a lot of thought to, is the possibility that one of the main reasons Wuthering Heights is so resonant for me is the way that it taps into my culture, as a child of England. 

one way

I thought I would always write my blog - caeusura - but I went through such an upheaval in 2019, that I ended that blog, and started a new one - this one: voracioutee - at the beginning of 2020. 

The crisis continued and it has led me to completely stop drinking so decisively that I know I will never drink again. When things got really bad - late 2021, early 2022 - I was completely dependent on alcohol. I needed alcohol to survive. Then, after going through detox from March 15, 2022 to March 24, 2022, my reality was the opposite. Now, my survival depends on not drinking. 

The crisis also led me to get serious about tapering off Valium. I'm still going with that, and it's been 3 years, but I've made great progress and the actual end is in sight. It's actually doable, which is an amazing feeling. 

anticipation

It's not that I'm anxious about particular situations. Like, for example, waiting. I'm not anxious about waiting for things, but I'm anxious about how I'm going to be anxious in those situations. 

ҸԹ🎺љЉ🎗🃧փ🌀🎼

Everyone has their own challenges and their own joys. 

my hurt foot

I was really pleased that, 3 days after badly spraining my ankle, I was able to walk to the local shops. That meant I could do anything. I can go to appointments, go to work, get the bus - anything. 

At the same time, the healing was quite slow and it's still not completely healed. It's been just over 2 weeks, and I still can't run. I'm getting closer though. I think it will be fully healed in about 4 to 6 weeks from when I sprained it. I can feel it healing. 

the path

On a journey of the spirit, even when you are breaking new ground, it's easy to see what's happening through the lens of all your past experiences....so your past shapes and defines your present reality. But it's also possible for your future to shape your present reality, and that's better I think. 

🍇🌈𝄞∲🎻🏹Œđ🎼🎑Å蛤🌀🐚ફ

From time to time I ask myself what I would do if I could do anything, and lately I decided that what I want to do is be a writer, artist, to run my own business and to be an academic. 

haunted

If you had to live in a song, which would you choose? 

unpredictable

Most of the books that I have really liked, I have had to read for school or uni. I didn't know before I read it that the book was really good. Other times, the book's reputation proceeded it, but with really good books, there's always a surprise about it. 

I don't think reputation is a good guide because I often find that I don't particularly like the books that are generally regarded as the best that an author has written, or among the best. I often like different ones. Like, with Dostoevsky, I preferred The Idiot and The Possessed to The Brothers Karamazov. With Dickens, I didn't even finish Bleak House but I've finished quite a few of his other long books, and I much prefer David Copperfield to Bleak House.

speed bump

that's fantastic! 

no it's not! why would I make it up? 

I know. It's incredible!

😒

first draft

most of the sage advice about the importance of multiple drafts is from the time before word processing

re≴eЯvation

seems like I have an extra requirement of thinking 

that isn't really necessary

high

Colleen Ballinger is proof that you can have some serious, legitimate scandals, then make a horrendously ill-advised apology video, and still, in time, salvage your career. 

heal

I sprained my ankle. It's hard to believe that I could injure it so badly just from walking. It wasn't just my ankle that was swollen....that's what stood out at first....but, my whole foot and lower leg was swollen and then also badly bruised after a couple of days. 

Doing it was painful but then afterwards it wasn't that painful - it was just sore and hard to walk. I noticed that as the swelling has receded it has started to ache more. Every day it gets a bit better, so it's a very slow and steady process. 

It's amazing the way the body heals itself. The swelling is like a natural cast or moon boot. 

cyber*

William Gibson is a genius. He's a living legend. I can only understand his book Neuromancer, published in 1984, because I'm alive in the 21st century. Gibson coined the term 'Cyberspace' and wrote about the matrix. 

ennui

TFW you realize that most of the good jokes in Jane Austen go over your head because you don't live in the 19th century. 

the value of books

The only very short book I like is Harold Bloom's The Anxiety of Influence. I feel the same way about my copy of this book, as I do about long literary works, like those of Dickens and Dostoevsky. I feel like they are valuable. 

favorite writers

I've always preferred Dostoevsky to Tolstoy, because he resonates more with me. The word that represents Tolstoy is 'grandeur', and the word that represents Dostoevsky is 'passion'.

But Tolstoy is not cold. He makes grandeur attractive and warm, which interestingly reminds me of something that someone wrote about Emily Brontë. I say it's interesting because, to my mind, Dostoevsky is so much like Emily Brontë, and Tolstoy is not at all like her. 

But what I read was that, in Wuthering Heights, Emily Brontë takes all the elements of the Gothic, and brings them into a domestic English setting, unlike any of the famous gothic writers, like Ann Radcliffe, for example. I think, in some ways, Tolstoy brings his grand themes into a humble, homely setting as a way of engaging the reader. 

given

I can write anything. It's easy to write. 

It's easy to make art when you don't care about standards. 

↓🎑⚫🍨↑

first time i heard of blogs in a seminar everyone was talking about their thesis someone was doing theirs on blogs

making a sale

I made a sale on Redbubble! It's just a sticker, so I only made a few cents, but still....I'd given up on even uploading designs to Redbubble, now I'm feeling motivated again. Like, if I really work on it, maybe I can sell a few more stickers or some other products. 

I want to get more into the design side of things - to use affinity designer and make designs with words. 

new story

I really liked Neuromancer but, after my initial reading session, I made the mistake of putting it aside for a few days, and then, when I did read it again, it was in a context where I couldn't give it my undivided attention. So, I read it with the sense that this means something really cool, but I don't know exactly what that is. 

It's definitely a great book though. It's rare that I see that in a modern book...that I see that, yes, this is really good. 

I keep thinking about the comparison between this and Frankenstein. What is it that makes them the same genre? Is it just for convenience that we call any extended work of creative prose fiction, a novel? 

the process of beginning continues

The sunrise and the sunset look kind of the same. Lately, I started to struggle with depression a bit more again, but this morning I had the encouraging thought that this is not the crisis of ending, it's the crisis of beginning. It's my old life that is dying and my new life is beginning. 

art LXIII

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art LXXIII

ֆゆԹწዪ🌀⛔๑🍔இ8ଢ８♋Ģ

Harold Bloom is my favorite literary scholar, but I think if I had to choose someone to listen to I would choose Slavoj Zizec. 

φवଣ♥øਇÆÅるਭ🥉🎼♅

This month, even before the end of the month, this blog has had more page views than any other month since I started it in 2020. 

winning?

Victories are contextual. Three days ago I sprained my ankle badly. The only other time I injured my ankle that bad was when I fractured it. It's been very swollen and bruised, and I couldn't walk properly. Also, it affected my mental health in some strange way, so I was struggling with that as well. I think the interaction between physical and mental health is something that isn't very well understood - the way that the two can kind of lock hands to restrain you. 

I decided that today I would walk to the shop for the first time since I hurt my ankle. I didn't feel ready, but I thought I would do it anyway. So, I was walking super slowly and carefully, and I thought it was going to take all morning to walk to the shop and back. But I found that as I went, and talked to people and did stuff, I got into the rhythm of walking and by the time I got home, I was walking almost normally, and it felt pretty comfortable. It started to ache later, but....

So, yeah - something as minor as walking to the shops can be a victory. I had felt really confined and really affected by this injury. I couldn't get around properly. I couldn't walk to the shops as I normally do. I couldn't exercise by running as I normally do. But now I feel like I'm pretty much back to normal. I'm able to walk around normally. I can't run but I'll just walk for now until my ankle heals a bit more, and that's OK - I'm still exercising. 

ణรԹ♯🍭🐌🍥🍳☪🌀೩

It seems to me that Parkinson's law - that work expands to fill the time available for it - applies to mental illness as well, in a way. It's independent of how favorable or unfavorable events and circumstances are - mental illness can manifest and be manifested regardless. 

faith

As I went through the experience of stopping drinking and tapering off valium, a lot of the ideas that guided me brought to mind teachings in the Bible. Like, the idea of beginning a new life is just like the Biblical concept of being born again. 

Then, my belief in that new life and that it's my real life and it's growing, even though my old life still dominates in many ways. I think my new life is like a seedling: it's living but it's still small and fragile, and my old life is like a storm: it has no life of its own even though it seems so strong and violent. A storm can crush a seedling, but in the reality of my life, it won't. Storms pass and seedlings grow. 

So, that's an example of faith. It's just an idea. There isn't necessarily any objective evidence to support it. As the Bible says, faith is being certain of what you can't see, and I am certain of this reality. 

⭐*☆⛤✴⋆⭐🎵ൽփΨտ🐡Ə

There's always the fear when I have a bad day that it's the beginning of things getting bad again. That's the fear. That's why I don't accept that as truth. 

ร✍፠ů🤽≗♙🌀ဧਇ💈

Something I like about my new computer is that, when I click to delete a file, it doesn't ask me, 'are you sure?'. It's a little thing but it's nice not having to do that extra click every single time. 

比⛎₩🥏🌀ஒඉ🎌ɛթ🍨❇☦☤𝄞შ

This morning I became aware of the rush of depression chemicals - flowing through me and over me 

㎜๛៚📊栅🧹⋆ճ🍝🌀🍨🎺🍥

Anything that is too good will always become distorted, warped, even malevolent, when you try to make it a reality in this world. It's as if the material realm can't accommodate it in its proper form. 

The Pharisees tried to manifest the highest levels of righteousness, but in this world that became rank hypocrisy. My mental illness grows directly out of my mental capacity.  

narrative

One of the things that really helped me in Acceptance Commitment Therapy is the idea that our thoughts are stories, so they aren't essentially true. When you have recurring negative thoughts about your self-worth or the prognosis for your life, which so many of us have, you can say, that's the whatever story: the 'I am doomed' story or the 'I am worthless' story. 

Our thoughts are just stories and some of them are only convincing because we've heard them so many times. 

art LXI

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tekelision

I want to go a whole day without using the internet or digital media - do everything analog....do traditional art with physical art supplies, write with a pen on a pad or notebook, listen to the radio or CDs rather than listening to youtube, study using a book rather than online, etc

🥨🔮ፁቈ🐚🌀⭕🎵Бよ

When someone blames you for things that you have no control over and they hold it against you and consistently blame you for whatever goes wrong, refusing to forgive you or show any grace or kindness to you because of the flaws they attribute to you, the problem is with them. 

🍭🐚◎⭕🍥อ☀🚫Өֆ∮§🐍🍃

I started reading Neuromancer and it's great. I understand why it's considered a classic, but I kept thinking about how it's a classic of a different sort. It's a whole different creature from Frankenstein. 

The story is really compelling and the world he creates is mind-blowing. I wouldn't have understood this book if I read it in the 80s when it was published....that's what is so amazing. William Gibson understood the potential of technology and foresaw how it would develop. 

This is the book and the writer who coined the term 'cyberspace' and first talked about the matrix, which is an idea that led to the movies about the matrix. 

I've never been a fan of the kind of shorthand that modern writers use....the kind of cynical, worldly voice they assume, but this is like that but really, really good. That's my scholarly summation: this is very good. 

4eva

i bought frenden brushes for my clip studio paint something like 800 brushes there was some controversy recently when CSP brought in a subscription model like adobe people went crazy but in the end it has worked out pretty well yourree ablke to buy the program and you just have to pay for a pass if you want the updates, but if your not worrie3d about the updates you can just keep it and use it forvere

🌀🔮🍧ဧ⋆ֆ🥣🛫ළ🍛Թ

🍝♚❀🎼ಹ🌀⭕⊕◎∲ね🍥§

I forget who it was, but I was watching a youtube video about books and literature, and the person was saying that they wanted to treat all the books they talked about on their channel, as scripture. They want to have that seriousness and reverence for the books they cover. 

❅🔯🔀Ōəဓ🍝∯🍣𝄞🍭🎼⋆🌠

It's been a couple of years since I slept well 

Đ🏗🈧ཋ☣🍛🌀❧⭕

I just returned from a visit to my landlord now im sick and i just wanna know what happened to your soul

i thought that we were close but now that door is closed

say goodbye to the old me we arent friends anymore you don't know me

ફ೯ൽആ㎜æጮ∮🐚🎼⚛🧿

name the book.....

all happy families are the same but all unhappy families are unique

I did a search of the above, and the normal search engine gave me the name of the novel, but the AI wrote:

All happy families resemble one another, sharing common joys, laughter, and contentment. Their harmonious bonds weave a tapestry of shared experiences and love. Yet, when we turn our gaze toward unhappy families, we encounter a kaleidoscope of individual struggles, conflicts, and complexities. Each unhappy family is a universe unto itself, with its own constellation of pain, secrets, and fractured connections.

In the symphony of life, both happiness and sorrow compose unique melodies. The happy families sing in unison, while the unhappy families improvise their dissonant notes. Perhaps it is within these dissonances that we find the raw beauty of human existence—the messy, imperfect, and profoundly human stories that shape our lives.

So, let us celebrate the sameness of joy and honor the uniqueness of suffering, for both are threads in the rich tapestry of our shared humanity.

a machine wrote that

Ҹዲ🐚🌀🍢🍭☬Щփ☫🔱

theres something only you can do find it do it

🎯🥏๏🍥🖇ØҶ🎵इ

I always think, today is just another day...nothing special. But this is all there is. Life is just a series of days. 

If you live to 100, which is a long life, that's only 36,500 days. 

own way

It's a common mistake to think that there is only one way to do something well, and to do that thing well, you have to do it in that way. Following that logic you will never really excel. Imagine if Taylor Swift listened to Mariah Carey and thought, that's the meaning of being a good singer. It would have stopped her from developing. 

art LVI

🍭ଢ೬ო១🚥🚩只ዲ🍥🍝🍛🌌

ive been waiting for the silence 

Æ🅱ঙキ∲🎵Å᧱ब⏩

Within a very short period of time we've gone from clunky grammar, expression and vocabulary giving away the use of AI, to a situation where, if the grammar, expression and vocabulary are too good, AI was probably involved. 

uncommon

It's a weird feeling having something in the fridge where I live, that, although generally considered harmless and even beneficial, if I were to have even a sip of it would lead to more, and almost immediately to enslavement, misery and ultimately death. It strikes me as strange that there are no guard-rails around something so dangerous - no warnings.

weight

ive been waiting

ive been waiting for this moment

⭐🍧இஷ🎶🎕す

₩🌀🌌ତ🎼🚤៚ш🌈🍮Թ🌠

What's actually happening in the mind when one reads a book? I have this sense that a whole array of neural networks are being enhanced. Like, when I read Grantlee Kieza's biography of Joseph Banks, networks about Romanticism, Australian history, the history of science, to name a few, are being enhanced, all at the same time and in sympathy with each other like a chorus of voices.