փորձի արժեքը

what does it mean to heal or recover?

strangely, what we call sickness is (often) our body trying to heal itself. like, when you throw up, it's your body expelling the contaminant. when you have a fever, it's because your body raises its temperature to try to kill the virus or bacteria that is affecting you. Migraine is another good example. Before you get the actual headache associated with a migraine, you get (at least I do) an aura - a visual disturbance. Growing up, I never knew what that was, and then one day when it happened, I went to the see a doctor straight away. By the time I got in to see the doctor, the visual disturbance had stopped, but when I told him about what had happened he knew exactly what it was. He asked me if I had a headache now, and I was like, yes, I do, and he explained that it was a migraine and how migraine's work. 

the aura is caused by the constriction of blood vessels - for some reason your blood vessels constrict and limit the flow of blood - and then your brain or your body releases a chemical that expands your blood vessels back to normal, and that's why the aura goes away, but it's that chemical that gives you the headache. and that's exactly what happens - the visual disturbance usually clears after 15 minutes to half an hour (I think...I've never actually timed it) and then I get a headache and a kind of mild nauseous feeling. I'm lucky. For some reason I don't really get a very bad headache like some people do. I can generally go about my normal day. The worst part for me is the visual disturbance. 

I remember reading part of a book called Productive and Unproductive Depression (1989) by Emmy Gut. Her argument in that book is that depression has a purpose and, if we engage it in the right way, depression can be a productive process. It's widely recognised that depression literally slows you down /// it slows down your speech, your movement and your thinking, and of course it drains your energy and demotivates you. It's physiological as well as psychological. In her book, Emmy Gut argues that what's happening there is that a lot of the resources you need to function normally are being redirected to the problem that is at the centre of your depression, and importantly, that that is a positive thing. The path of recovery involves figuring out what that problem is and working through it. 

I really like that argument, because the idea that things like depression can be inherently positive and productive, resonates with me. It's what I believe. I've read other books in which the author's view was that there's nothing good about being depressed - that that part of your life is lost and the only rational thing to do is get through it and come out the other end and not be depressed any more - only then will you really be living. 

It's true that, with the particular book I have in mind, the author's experience of depression was particularly debilitating, so his view is understandable, and everyone is entitled to frame their life experience as they see fit, but I don't share that view. It's not that I see depression/ anxiety/ mental health issues as something benign and easily manageable. Calling depression a black dog - even though I know it's a common metaphor - doesn't really do justice to the reality of the condition. It's more like a vicious dog that actually bites and sometimes even kills. 

So, I'm not minimising it. It's tough. But I still think, as bad as it gets, there is value in the experience.