a new day

Nothing can hurt me more than my own mind. One of the things I'm learning is to be more active - to occupy myself more, physically and mentally - to do stuff, rather than ruminating and withdrawing. 

I'm enjoying this transformation. Recent events have given me a very real sense that I'm beginning a new life. It's more than just a new chapter or a different phase. It's really a new me. But it's more like REM's 'The end of the world as we know it' than Cat Steven's 'morning has broken'. That's the nature of the journey. At many points along the way I have felt hopeless, desperate and in pain and fear. I'm still feeling those things.

On the positive side though....I started the previous paragraph by writing that I am enjoying this transformation...yes, I feel this new life taking shape - a life in which I am more actively engaged. 

Like I said, I've been aware of this transformation for a few months now. It was a realisation that I came to by talking to other people - a way of framing the experiences I was going through. But I thought that the way it would work is that, as I recover and start to feel better, I would transition into being able to do more. I knew that I needed to change in that way. So many people told me, directly and indirectly, that I need to get out and get active, not stay in my room and roominate. I know it's not spelt like that, but it's a perfect wordplay for expressing my tendency. 

But what I've learnt lately is that I have to force myself to do all this stuff. It's not going to come naturally. It's not going to be comfortable. I'm not going to live a kind of mountain-retreat-life and gradually recuperate and one day wake up and know - 'I'm ready'. No, I'm going to be forced into my new life by the misery and suffering that my old life (or the only life I know) now involves. I think God knows that the only way to get me to let go of my old life and to get into my new life is to make my old life unliveable. 

So yeah - I've started doing more and I've had to force myself. But I'm beginning to really want to do these things, and they're starting to fill my life and to give my mind somewhere better to go.