in security

Overcoming depression is about being able to put down this narrative that has held my attention for decades and to pick up something better - something good. It's disturbing and scary that I'm still in that place of pain and fear and insecurity that I know so well. It's still just as bad. It doesn't get better. 

But that's the point - it won't get better, because it's a narrative about fear and pain. It's like, I'm telling myself that I'm stuck and I'm in pain, and those thoughts create fear and pain, and I go - see, it's true....and that creates more fear and more pain and more desolation and depression.

I'm creating an alternative. I can't hold onto it for very long at a time, but I know it's there and I feel it and it's growing. It's a good life, with healthy and meaningful pursuits. I can see it and I'm taking steps into it. 

I use a lot of different analogies for this transformation from my old life to my new life. One of them is the seedling and the storm. My new life is the seedling, and that's why the storm is still so threatening, because a storm can destroy a seedling. But the storm is fake and the seedling is real. The storm has no substance. It's just like a loud voice. It's intimidating. But the real power and the real life is in the seedling, which will grow into a tree. 

Another analogy I use is that I live in a house built out of fear and pain, and my new life is outside that house, in the wide world. That's the challenge. This house is my home. Just like the seedling can't stand up against a storm, I can't really leave this house. I don't believe in the outside world. I live here, in this house. But it's changing. I'm leaving this house. And, like the storm, the house has no substance. This house will just disintegrate without me maintaining it, and I'm building a new house out of faith and life.