I know that there is a greater reality than my feelings, and that, if I'm struggling, it's not bad, it's good. Demolish this damned fortress that keeps me imprisoned, that I built out of fear over the course of a lifetime. Smash the place. It seems like the end of the world but it's the beginning of true life and freedom.
There are a lot of spiritual truths that have become practical realities in my life, and it's weird to see them there. It's strange seeing these truths in the context of my own life instead of in the context of the Bible, as if they are independent realities.
Like being born again and faith. To overcome my dependence on alcohol and benzos, I had to push myself to change. I had to be different now, today. And then, as I'm doing that, there's a realization that this is a new life that has begun. And that realization of my new life, is faith, because it's not fully a reality yet.
My old life and my old thinking is still dominant. If suddenly today or tomorrow, there was no more challenge and I was completely recovered, I would go back to my old life. Maybe not straight away. I would try to maintain the good habits I've started, but over time I would fall back into my old ways, because my old self is still very much alive. That self is still me, and my new self is just a seedling, maybe not even that. It doesn't really exist yet. It's not me.
My new self is a matter of faith, but, as the Bible says, we live by faith, not by sight.
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