in security

It's exciting to realize that all my fear about breaking is unnecessary. If anything is breaking, it's my house of fear and pain that I've painstakingly constructed and which I see as my refuge, when it's actually a prison.

As my world is demolished and there is nowhere for me to escape to - there's nothing for me to hold onto - I feel deeply unsettled. I ruminate about the possibility that things could get worse. I'm just barely holding it together. I'm not bravely confronting my fears. I confront them when I have to.

I'm forced to do these things that take immense courage. Not all the time, but occasionally. It wouldn't make sense to anyone else why these things are so challenging. It's crossing a threshold - being faced with what seems impossible, but you have to just do it. 

Someone once observed about me that I'm not the kind of person that goes into a situation without me having an escape route. But these kinds of situations I'm talking about, there is no escape. Escape is not an option. You can't hold yourself in reserve and operate from a position of security. You have to get on a bus, and then get on a train and then go somewhere and do things for an extended period of time, and even though you're scared where you are, making that trip and doing those things is even more terrifying. And that's just one time. You have to do the same thing tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. 

There's no escape. But it needs to be like that. That is a good thing, because escape is a delusion. Escape is what I've been calling the house of fear and pain. It's such an irony. Sometimes we think that a solution is to get away from life - to go to some kind of clinic or retreat. I was watching a video where Michael Priebe talked about this kind of thing - how he had the idea of checking in somewhere and getting professional help when he was going through the challenge of withdrawal, but he ultimately decided against it, because, as he said, what is necessary is for healing to be incorporated into your life, not to retreat from your life. 

And I would go even further and say that not only is 'checking in somewhere' not going to be helpful, it's going to make things harder. It's not the haven from your fears that you imagine. I guess it depends though. Sometimes professional help can be useful and beneficial, but ultimately, the way forward is to live your life, so if you're seeking professional help as a way of taking time out or retreating from life, that is not going to work. 

My advice would be to trust God to provide a nurturing environment for you. He knows better than you do what that involves. As it says in Proverbs 14: 12, 'There is a way which seems right to a person, But its end is the way of death.' But trusting God in this way is not  a passive thing. For our part, what we need to do is to actively engage in recovery and life.