stepping out

In post-colonial theory, scholars talk about the tension colonies feel because authority, power and meaning are located elsewhere, within the imperial power not within the colony. Colonies are defined by something that isn't them. They are 'othered' in their own land. This becomes a creative tension which allows the colony to make creations that are truly its own. An example of how they do this is by subverting the 'ruling' language and creating a creole language - a language that is a hybrid of their own native language and the imperial language. So, it's an expression of who they are that includes the empire but puts the native speaker or writer in a position of authority, because they are the author. 

My struggle against rumination, anxiety and depression has a post-colonial aspect to it. I have this oppressive authority that defines me and dominates my life, doesn't allow me to speak, tells me I have nothing of worth to express. As I achieve my daily goals, I undermine that authority and I become my true self. 

I still inhabit this world of pain and rumination. I still mourn the loss of my life because I still think this negation is my life. I still think my life consists of the pain I'm going through because, in a way, it does. It's more imposing a lot of the time than my goals are, and it's hard for me to do my daily goals. Sometimes I even give up and I feel defeated and broken. 

But I have faith and hope. I believe in my new life. I believe it's real and powerful in a way that my rumination and mental health issues are not. They're so imposing because I have spent a lifetime building them, nurturing them, feeding them. But the truth is that they are not real. I don't have to be dictated to by their rules. 

The pain seems permanent. The struggle seems permanent. Achieving my daily goals is still kind of like jumping into a cold swimming pool a lot of the time. I prefer to ruminate and do nothing and to be distressed, because that's what I know. I keep holding on to it. I keep putting myself back in that house of fear and pain. But I'm learning. I'm learning that there's a world outside that house and it's the real world and real life, and it's permanent.