living thing

I have faith that my new life is very real and I have faith that it - my real self - will triumph over the storm of rumination, anxiety, depression, and withdrawal.

Some days I'm still defeated. I'm overwhelmed by the net of problems. It is more powerful than my new life. 

But I know that things are changing. Every day, as I achieve my daily goals, my new life grows. Even on days like today, when it's hard to achieve my goals and I don't do very well, this new life is still growing. It's a life, and the rumination and fear and anxiety and depression is not a life. 

I've already seen it grow so much. On days like today, I feel like I'm back at square one or even worse, because I'm stuck with the same problem that I've been struggling with for nearly my whole life. The rumination kind of is like a life or a plant because it's what I have been nurturing and maintaining and protecting my whole life. It's just that now I see it for what it is. I've been cultivating the wrong thing. 

So now I think of it as a storm and I think of my new life, as defined by my daily goals, as a life. It still seems fragile and the storm is oppressive, but it's growing, and even when the storm is at its worst, the life breaks through. And the life is the thing that will last. It will have the last word.