never goin back

Rumination is self-perpetuating. You think, I'm stuck, I can't do anything and then you believe that thought, and you don't do anything, which just reinforces the thought even more, which makes you more stuck, which reinforces the thought, and so on. 

Lately I have been surprised in two ways. I've been surprised that this challenging process is still so hard, and, at the same time, I've been pleasantly surprised by how much easier things are actually getting. Like, I go out and I'm expecting that I'm going to really struggle, but I just don't. 

Somehow the two realities are coexisting in my life at the same time. Things are still really hard and things are getting easier. It's encouraging though. Like I could, and I do, freak out thinking, I'm still struggling, is this going to go on forever? but when I think about it, I realize that that's the nature of the recovery process and any other growth and development process - it's dialectical.

Progress is driven by the tension between two opposing influences, and for progress to be real, the two opposing influences have to be strong. 

Another way I think of this is that the only reason I have done the things I have done is because of the challenge. It's only because the challenge was hard that I now have a quiet time/ time with God every morning, I run and walk every day, I do exposure exercises every day (putting myself in anxiety inducing situations), I do art every day, I write nearly every day - on Medium and on this blog, every day I spend some time working through a course I bought about benzo withdrawal and healing, nearly every day I do some reading about psychology, anxiety, depression, positive thinking, etc, every day I eat about 3 meals and I'm eating more healthily, nearly every day I do some other reading - like a novel or non-fiction book, and there are other things that I try to do as well, not all of them every day - like being more social, working, pursuing different interests. 

If life had been cruisy, there's no way I would be doing these things. And the challenge needs to continue as well. It needs to be inescapable, even as I'm growing and getting stronger. Because otherwise I wouldn't maintain the changes. So I need the challenge to continue. I need it to be uncomfortable, because I'm not coming back to my old self.