the unthinkable

I think hope can kind of squeeze out fear. It can totally get rid of it. 

In her book Power Over Panic: Overcoming panic and anxiety (2010) Bronwyn Fox writes, 'When our sense of self is centred within us, we are able to draw upon all of our inner resources and go beyond our fears.' She writes about the created self, which has grown to accommodate our fears, thus perpetuating them for our whole lives, and our real self, which has healthy self-esteem and is strong and confident and free. 

My belief in my real self has grown. I've had short periods where I wasn't anxious, where it wasn't an issue, but a lot of the time I am still at the mercy of anxiety and depression, or that's how it feels. 

But the positive changes that have been happening give me hope. An example of positive change is my exercise and exposure sessions. About 6 months ago I got serious about my daily goals, including exercise and exposure to situations that make me anxious. At first, even just going out for a walk was challenging in terms of my anxiety. But I just kept doing it. Then, the big challenge - because most days I walked to the local shops - was going in and buying one or two things. So, the walk there was challenging, going in was super challenging, and the walk home was challenging. 

Then recently, within the last few weeks, I started to actually like the walking, but going into the shop and buying something was still challenging. More recently, even that has gotten a lot easier. I can go to the chemist, get my medication, chat with the staff there, AND go to the supermarket and do some shopping, and buy a few things. That doesn't sound like a lot, but that was unthinkable not that long ago. 

When I first started exercising every day, only walking seemed possible, and I wasn't even really walking that much. But at least it was something. I was exercising. But then I wanted to make a really crazy goal. The idea of running seemed pretty crazy, so I asked for some good running shoes for my birthday and I've been running every day since. It's been a few weeks now. I look forward to running, and I also like going to the shop now. I'm still buying too much chocolate but I've also started buying more healthy foods, like fruits and vegetables. 

I've been looking up recipes on youtube. I want to get back into cooking, but at the same time I've realized that it doesn't need to be that complicated. I went into Coles the other day with a recipe in mind, but then, when I was there, I thought, why don't I just buy different fruits and vegetables that I like, and eat them? I don't have to assemble them into some fancy dish, I can just eat them. So that's what I've been doing. I still want to cook though.