ൾėиgstड

I've been practicing this rumination for decades, so I just fall into it, and then I'm thinking, why am I not better? 

Looking at it objectively, I think I keep myself stuck in depression, anxiety and rumination, as much as I hate those things, partly because, like I said, I'm just so used to that thoughtscape, but also because of the way I define happiness and wellness as always elsewhere. 

I'm learning to let go of this endless tension. 

I'm breaking down the walls, or rather, the walls are breaking. 

It's exciting to realize that the world I'm scared of is a place of joy and strength and my refuge is a place of fear. All these walls I've built to keep me safe, have kept me living in fear. 

នៅ ອxtra

born a month ago

I've known it for a week

never heard or seen anything like this

this sun on the hills

freezing can't get warm

can't hold any positive 

starving for warmth

unable to receive 

solutions have only ever been temporary

as if I managed to outwit the demon but it inevitably catches up with me

but finally through everything going wrong

through being brought to my knees

and broken 

I'm outside and I don't fear the cold

ðಹೊinқ

I felt stuck, immobilized this morning - stuck in painful rumination. It seems endless. It seems immutable. It's my whole reality. 

But then I thought, what if I pushed back? There was something about just thinking of that possibility that really motivated me. It changed my reality. 

Later on the rumination returned, and it's hard to break out of it. But these draughts of freedom give me hope. 

It is real. It is the truth. It is what I'm moving into. It's the life of my daily goals. That life is mine already. 

But yeah, it was like a different reality. 

I have to remember it's a process, and that I need to be patient. In the journey of the hero, two of the steps are: facing and transforming demons and building new resources (or maybe, building a new world?). 

You have to face the demons to transform them. And it takes time to build new resources. 

ζεãહેél

Withdrawal has enlisted my demons, but I have enlisted my new self. It doesn't matter that I've never won that fight because I've never fought that fight. 

When I first became a Christian, I thought something magical would happen, or at least something paranormal. I had a really exalted view of what a Christian is, and I could never, in my present form, live that life. So, I thought I would be transformed when I took the step of becoming a Christian. But I wasn't transformed. I learnt that faith and love only mean something when they come from a human heart, as opposed to a super-human heart. 

The current challenge is like that in a way. To live, I need my new self. But it's not magic, it's alchemy. 

წყანტέη

With exposure, the key is to stay in the anxiety inducing situation until you feel better and then leave. You don't rush out of the situation. After doing that a few times, the situation holds no fear for me. But then there'll be a day when I think, I'm struggling a bit more today. So, I'm on edge, thinking that maybe I'm going to get anxious. So, I kind of rush a little bit and get out of the situation as soon as I can. I'm scared that I'm not going to be able to function, and sure enough that's what happens - it's hard to function. Now, that situation is associated with fear again and it's as hard as it's ever been. But then the next day I face it again. I go into the situation. And it's OK. It's easy again. But facing the fear this time wasn't as hard as it was months ago, because I can tell myself that I've done this before and it will be fine, and I believe myself. 

let's dance

Ren: 'It wasn't David vs Goliath. It was a pendulum, eternally swaying from the dark to the light. The more intensely the light shone, the darker the shadow it cast. It was never really a battle for me to win, it was an eternal dance...'

That shadow can really drain your confidence but it's reassuring to realize that it's all part of the dance. Recent days have been characterized by challenges that I don't feel ready for. Then I face the challenges, because I have to. And it's awesome. 

But then...it's like when Peter walked on water. I think - I'm doing it! I can do it! I'm so strong and confident. I'm relaxed and poised. But I'm not. I'm not there yet. And suddenly I'm really struggling again. I'm weak and overwhelmed....just like Peter began to sink. 

I will not lose heart. My new self is strong and confident, and that strength and confidence grows out of my weakness. 

ވެanyime ůylös

Sometimes I think that, in our culture, we greedily gather as much trash as we can, and throw out all the things that are really valuable, as trash. We're so eager to have all this stuff that is just the same as other people have, and we neglect the things that only we have access to. 

Anyone can make money and drive expensive cars and be famous, given the right qualities and circumstances. Anyone can eat at the best restaurants if they have enough money. But only you can be you and do the things you do and have the relationships you have. 

I listened to Ren and his band, the big push, for the first time yesterday. I listened to his song, Hi Ren, and, as so many people who have recorded video reactions to it have said, I have never heard anything like that before, and I loved it as soon as I heard it. Then I listened to 'the big push' busking -
Wade in the water / Nina simone / Trouble so hard. They're mind-blowingly good. I didn't know it was possible to be that good. Can music be this timeless and strong? 

In 'Hi Ren', in the monologue he does at the end, he talks about struggles with mental illness and how it's not a 'David vs Goliath' struggle but rather, 'a pendulum, eternally swaying from the dark to the light'. He says that it's not a battle to be won, it's a dance. 

That rings true to me. There are definitely victories and breakthroughs but recovery is a process, not an event. You go up and you go down, and through it all, you're making progress. The downs are as important as the ups. 

эрияန် ەکە

There are people who, if you have any dealings with them, you will be harmed, and there are people who are the opposite - they bring something good to your life just by virtue of you being associated with them. 

Arthur Miller's play The Crucible is, among other things, about an ordinary man whose commitment to decency - just to basic decency and honesty - leads to a state of affairs in which he has to go to his death. 

We go through our trials and tribulations alone and we only understand later. 

It does make sense. What was suffering becomes a song. 

It was Goethe who wrote that 'colors are the deeds and suffering of light'. 

That quote always makes me think of flowers, and also of something I saw when I lived in Hong Kong. After working in the evening, part of my journey home involved getting the star ferry across the harbor. There were these huge neon signs, the light of which was reflected in the harbor. So there was this shimmering expanse of different colors.

The lights themselves weren't that attractive but their reflection on the water was beautiful. 

ৱালদены

Things don't unfold gradually. 

It may take a lot to break through a wall, but once it's done, the wall no longer exists. 

so far

It still feels like I have so far to go. 

My awareness is on pushing forward, rather than what I'm pushing into. 

But I have some fleeting sense of what I'm pushing into. I can conceive of it even if I don't feel or perceive it. 

Like, for example, I have a lot of really good self-help/ psychology/ inspirational/ spiritual type books. I know that reading them will help me and I read from them every day. It's that knowing - knowing that they will help and they are helping - rather than the sense that they are actually helping, that keeps me reading them. 

If there was some quick fix, it would be a disaster. This challenging path is the only way. 

But I do have a growing sense of my new life. I know that it's stronger than my old life, even if my old life is still so dominant in me. 

The new life is living and growing. The old life is passing. I'm actively engaging in my recovery, in my weakness. 

geňeçud

It's very rare that I like a poem on first reading. It has only happened twice. Both times it was related to having an understanding of the poem when I first read it. Nearly always I have to read poetry closely to get it. I have to analyze it word by word and line by line and write about it.

One of the poems that this happened with, the reason I liked it and appreciated it on first reading was because someone specifically gave it to me as it related to some things we had been talking about. That poem was 'Ars Poetica' by Archibald MacLeish. It's a poem about poetry. 

The other poem I liked on first reading was 'In the Waiting Room' by Elizabeth Bishop. I liked it because it conveyed a meaning that was completely irrational but made absolute sense to me. I had my own interpretation of it and I believed in that interpretation.

There was that mix of familiarity and unfamiliarity that makes great music, art and writing. You recognize something that you already know - something you've actually thought or felt - but it's not a boring familiarity like, I already knew that, because there's something new about it as well. 

catastrophe creation

being set free still seems like a tragedy to me

i mean for the old me

and it's true that the outlook for the old me is bleak

i'm still held captive by the old stories

i'm glad that this crisis goes on and on maybe indefinitely

because this is the only way i would change

nothing else would motivate this change

there has to be very little hope for my old self

it has to be intolerable to be my old self

it's a process

i keep retreating back to the safety of what i know

and finding no rest there

for moments at a time, i have a sense of hope

i hear the sweet music of freedom and security 

it's very quickly drowned out by the blare of fear and rumination and anxiety and depression and despair

it doesn't matter how i feel

my new life is growing

and I'm learning to be my new self

belief

I'm learning to break out of the vicious cycles I get stuck in. 

Part of what is scary is that I think back to times earlier in my life when I went through anxiety and depression and I have this idea of just being stuck in it and being that way indefinitely. 

But I see it as a process now. If I was going through the process before and now I'm going through the process again, that means the process had more work to do, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm doomed and stuck. 

My fear tells me I am. Fear and rumination feed themselves. There's a tension that I just can't seem to let go of, and I feel that same tension now as I have felt so many times in the past. 

The difference now is that I see an end to it. I see that there's a reason for it. I see something good coming out of this. 

I've stopped believing in my fear so much. I believe in my new life as defined by my daily goals. My self that was shaped by fear and rumination is fading away and being replaced by my new self. 

It's a challenging process because it involves a kind of death. My old self actually does have to go through the kind of challenge where it seems like there's no way forward. And in that position, my new self begins to take shape. 

It takes that kind of pressure to bring about change. 

There's something exciting though that keeps breaking through - breaking through the fear. I think about my goals. I think about the Bible and God. I think about my growing power to actually overcome and grow and heal and change. I think about that new life and the freedom and confidence it involves. 

Coming out of the dwelling of fear and pain is terrifying. But then, as you continue to come out, you realize that this - the world on the outside - is reality, and the house of fear and pain, with all its rules and limitations, is fake. You don't need that house, with the 'safety' it offers. 

the way

I find that, when I'm under pressure, negativity is a kind of luxury. It seems to provide an answer. It's not really satisfactory but it works, up to a point. 

Choosing something better is painful, but it's only painful because I've made pain a refuge, so true relief seems painful to me. 

I find that I have to be compelled to take that better way. It seems impossible. Not impossible, just very hard. 

I know - 100% I know - that the way I feel about the challenges I'm facing is completely wrong. The truth is the opposite of how I feel. 

Gradually I'm realizing that the things that seem so tentative and uncertain are absolutely trustworthy. 

The place of discomfort is the place of freedom, and I'm learning that. I'm learning that this is a process that goes one way. The discomfort will pass. 

I'm already experiencing that. An example is the exercise and exposure that I do. Generally what I do is that I walk to the local shops and go in and buy one or two things. I remember months ago when just going out to walk was difficult. The walk to the shop was challenging and then going in was even more challenging. The whole way there I was dreading it. I would say to myself that if it was really too hard I didn't have to go in. But I always went in. It was hard though. 

Then I remember getting to a point where I felt really good about going out to walk. I felt excited about it. It gave me pleasure and satisfaction. Sometimes I just went for a walk without going to the shops. 

The next stage was running. That really made a difference in a lot of ways. Just walking was already making a difference but running even more so. And now I feel really good about walking/ running and going to the shop. Going into the shop and buying a couple of things is easy now. There are moments when I struggle a bit but it's very manageable. I look forward to running. I do it early in the day. 

So, that's an example of this process. There are still a lot of things ahead of me that are overwhelming, but I know the fear and discomfort that I feel when I think about those things will not stop me. The fear and discomfort are not obstacles. What comes to mind is that saying that 'the obstacle is the way'. Ryan Holiday wrote a book with that as the title and he explains in the introduction that the idea comes from Marcus Aurelius, who wrote: 'What stands in the way becomes the way.' 

The fear and discomfort have a meaning. They are necessary. And in accepting them, they are transformed. 

කොහෙද

One of the surprising things I've learnt this year is that I can actually change the way I feel by thinking about it. I'm not at the mercy of my own mind as I have felt so many times in the past and I don't absolutely need some kind of medication. In the past that seemed like the only real solution - medication or alcohol. 

It seemed too hard and my rumination seemed too powerful, to change my thinking. But this year there have been times when, just by thinking, I was able to feel better. 

I don't understand feelings in the way that some people seem to and the way some psychology books do (e.g. The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris). According to this notion, feelings are always sensations somewhere in the body. To me that makes no sense. It's just not true. Someone once asked me about certain feelings I was describing, where are they in your body? The thing is, they aren't. To me, my feelings are tied in with my thoughts. Like, for example if I feel pleasure or I feel happy, they aren't sensations in my body, they are things I'm thinking about. Someone might argue that what I'm thinking about that's making me happy is in my mind, but the actual feeling is in my body, but that's a really weird concept to me and doesn't seem true. 

To me, my emotions are part of a kind of inner landscape and that inner landscape exists in my mind. I can entertain that other view of feelings. To do some of the techniques Russ Harris talks about in The Happiness Trap, you have to play along with that idea, so I do, but it seems kind of artificial. Like, I'm aware that the whole thing is happening in my mind anyway. So, he says, identify where a troubling feeling is in your body and then imagine that there's a space around it for it to expand into. (I might have got that slightly wrong as it's been a while since I read the book, but it's something along those lines). So, first of all, I don't have an awareness of where the feeling is in my body, but I do my best. I identify where it might be. Then, I imagine a space around that, etc. But because I don't actually feel it in my body, the action is really happening in my mind. I just can't relate to this idea that an emotion is a sensation in my body. Russ Harris insists that that's what all feelings are, and to me that seems like such a weird concept. 

in grave

2022 was unlike any other year of my life, and I will never forget it. I will always remember what happened that year. 

The process continued into 2023, but at the same time, I also had a strong sense of newness and hope on the first day of this year. Part of what I was feeling towards the end of 2022, was, can this challenge that I'm going through really still be going? Am I not going to get over this? 

I really haven't been sure and I'm still not sure. But I see challenges in a very different light now to how I used to. I think of them as having a purpose. 

I couldn't envision any end to my suffering in the past. I had no sense of an alternative. I only have one life and I'm only one person and that person has mental health issues that cause him distress. That's reality. There's no end to it. It's part of who I am. 

But in 2022 I learned that I can start a new life, and then I came to understand that that new life is defined by my daily goals. My daily goals aren't new. Some of them are new, but the principle of having daily goals is something I've believed in for decades. I just wasn't as serious about them as I am now. 

I have a growing sense of hope and purpose now. It's good that it's still challenging because that drives me into my new life. 

I've always had the aspiration that I'm going to fight my demons - my anxiety, depression, rumination and so on - and I'm going to beat them hard until I've drained every bit of meaning and purpose from them, and made myself strong at their expense, and then they will be dead and no more, and I will be alive, absolutely free of them.