belief

I'm learning to break out of the vicious cycles I get stuck in. 

Part of what is scary is that I think back to times earlier in my life when I went through anxiety and depression and I have this idea of just being stuck in it and being that way indefinitely. 

But I see it as a process now. If I was going through the process before and now I'm going through the process again, that means the process had more work to do, that's all. It doesn't mean that I'm doomed and stuck. 

My fear tells me I am. Fear and rumination feed themselves. There's a tension that I just can't seem to let go of, and I feel that same tension now as I have felt so many times in the past. 

The difference now is that I see an end to it. I see that there's a reason for it. I see something good coming out of this. 

I've stopped believing in my fear so much. I believe in my new life as defined by my daily goals. My self that was shaped by fear and rumination is fading away and being replaced by my new self. 

It's a challenging process because it involves a kind of death. My old self actually does have to go through the kind of challenge where it seems like there's no way forward. And in that position, my new self begins to take shape. 

It takes that kind of pressure to bring about change. 

There's something exciting though that keeps breaking through - breaking through the fear. I think about my goals. I think about the Bible and God. I think about my growing power to actually overcome and grow and heal and change. I think about that new life and the freedom and confidence it involves. 

Coming out of the dwelling of fear and pain is terrifying. But then, as you continue to come out, you realize that this - the world on the outside - is reality, and the house of fear and pain, with all its rules and limitations, is fake. You don't need that house, with the 'safety' it offers.