the way

I find that, when I'm under pressure, negativity is a kind of luxury. It seems to provide an answer. It's not really satisfactory but it works, up to a point. 

Choosing something better is painful, but it's only painful because I've made pain a refuge, so true relief seems painful to me. 

I find that I have to be compelled to take that better way. It seems impossible. Not impossible, just very hard. 

I know - 100% I know - that the way I feel about the challenges I'm facing is completely wrong. The truth is the opposite of how I feel. 

Gradually I'm realizing that the things that seem so tentative and uncertain are absolutely trustworthy. 

The place of discomfort is the place of freedom, and I'm learning that. I'm learning that this is a process that goes one way. The discomfort will pass. 

I'm already experiencing that. An example is the exercise and exposure that I do. Generally what I do is that I walk to the local shops and go in and buy one or two things. I remember months ago when just going out to walk was difficult. The walk to the shop was challenging and then going in was even more challenging. The whole way there I was dreading it. I would say to myself that if it was really too hard I didn't have to go in. But I always went in. It was hard though. 

Then I remember getting to a point where I felt really good about going out to walk. I felt excited about it. It gave me pleasure and satisfaction. Sometimes I just went for a walk without going to the shops. 

The next stage was running. That really made a difference in a lot of ways. Just walking was already making a difference but running even more so. And now I feel really good about walking/ running and going to the shop. Going into the shop and buying a couple of things is easy now. There are moments when I struggle a bit but it's very manageable. I look forward to running. I do it early in the day. 

So, that's an example of this process. There are still a lot of things ahead of me that are overwhelming, but I know the fear and discomfort that I feel when I think about those things will not stop me. The fear and discomfort are not obstacles. What comes to mind is that saying that 'the obstacle is the way'. Ryan Holiday wrote a book with that as the title and he explains in the introduction that the idea comes from Marcus Aurelius, who wrote: 'What stands in the way becomes the way.' 

The fear and discomfort have a meaning. They are necessary. And in accepting them, they are transformed.