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I've been practicing this rumination for decades, so I just fall into it, and then I'm thinking, why am I not better? 

Looking at it objectively, I think I keep myself stuck in depression, anxiety and rumination, as much as I hate those things, partly because, like I said, I'm just so used to that thoughtscape, but also because of the way I define happiness and wellness as always elsewhere. 

I'm learning to let go of this endless tension. 

I'm breaking down the walls, or rather, the walls are breaking. 

It's exciting to realize that the world I'm scared of is a place of joy and strength and my refuge is a place of fear. All these walls I've built to keep me safe, have kept me living in fear.