Tসմɛ

Time is weird at the moment. Things get dated very quickly now. Knowing how to use technology from 2 years ago doesn't really give you currency. But, at the same time, some events from further back than 2 years have an inordinate amount of influence over the present. 

I noticed this when I was watching a video from 2021. Because of the subject matter, I felt like, this is recent. It's very current. But then I thought, actually it's a little bit old - it's from 2 years ago. But then, going against that was the fact that there were things in the video related to Covid - just things like people wearing masks and social distancing - and Covid feels very current and recent. But then it made me realize...hang on...actually covid is from 1 or 2 years before this video was made.  

The last few years have been very intense for me personally. 2022 was really a watershed, but in many ways that year was the culmination of a cluster of crises that began in 2019 and still continue. From 2016 to 2019 I became very aware that the course of my life personally can be very different from the course of things in my country and in the world. I felt like things were going to hell in the world between 2016 and 2019 but in many ways my life was really flourishing. Then, since around the middle of 2019, my life has been going to hell. The world is still going to hell, also, of course. 

2022 was a turning point. I always wanted to be fixed, and in the past I felt like at times, I was fixed. I was rescued from myself by medication and therapy and treatment. The big lesson I've learnt has been that I have to help myself and that recovery is not something that happens to you, it's something that you actively engage in. 

emergen c

My fear is still the same it just affects me less. It's like, if I'm lying on the floor with my head at floor level, a little figurine in front of my eyes will loom large, but if I stand up, it's insignificant. 

I'm held captive by stories. The stories seem true, but I can learn to break free. 

There are still some situations that, solely because of anxiety, are like torture for me. I know that, if it wasn't for anxiety, there would be no problem. There's power in that, because I can work on my anxiety. I am not at its mercy. 

It's actually breakable. It's not immutable, like it seems. It lies to me, and I make those lies true by listening to them. There is no threat. It's just anxiety. 

It's very real to me. But it's dying and my new life is growing, and those two processes feed each other, so it's happening very fast. 

state of mind

I'm realizing that I need to be patient. I want to recover but it takes time. It's easy to hate where I am, but I have to start where I am. 

It's easy to react to my current state of mind - to catastrophize and awfulize - and that keeps me in distress. 

The more you hate where you are and resist it, the more you reinforce it. You tell yourself, this is awful, and it is. 

condemned for struggling

I listened to a well known Christian teacher address the question somebody asked about, if I keep returning to a particular sin, does that mean that I haven't really repented? His response was that, if you're completely resolved not to sin again, when you repent and confess, but then you unthinkingly commit that sin again, that's OK, but if, when you repent and confess, there's any sense in your mind that you might commit this sin again, then that's a concern, and you may be headed for destruction. 

It seems to me, as someone who struggles with assurance about my standing with God, that this advice is not helpful. I'm not just saying that because I don't like the advice. Good advice enables us to grow and thrive in our relationship with God, but this advice just fuels uncertainty. I already feel like I'm letting God down and failing as a Christian, and then, according to this advice, even though I want to repent, because I think that, yes, I may actually commit this sin again, I'm condemned and there's something wrong with my heart and I'm on the wrong path. 

There's a habitual element to a lot of sin. That's what makes it so difficult, because we fall into these vicious cycles. The idea that your repentance and confession is only real and valid if you're 100% convinced that you won't sin in that way again doesn't seem realistic or helpful or true. I think repentance can be a process. 

It's like a catch 22 thing. According to this teaching, your repentance and confession is only valid if your sin isn't that bad. If you choose to sin, forget about it. You only have a hope if you accidentally sin. You don't intend to sin but you sin by mistake. 

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the fact that I can't say for sure, when I repent and confess my sin to God, that I won't do the same thing again, means that it's hopeless. That's what I thought for a while after hearing that teaching. But that kind of fatalism is exactly what the teaching is warning against. He was warning about being fatalistic about sinning again, but that requirement of being absolutely certain that I won't sin again, leads me to be fatalistic about being on the wrong path. 

So, I don't agree that, if you have any sense that you may commit this sin again, then your repentance isn't real. It sets an unnecessary standard. 

Later edit: I listened to some more of the teachings of that teacher and I think I misunderstood him. He was answering another question about the passage in Hebrews that talks about how, if we go on sinning there is no longer any sacrifice for us - in other words we are beyond hope. He talks about the meaning of 'go on' sinning and how it's not talking about a 1 off thing - it's talking about a pattern of behavior. He points out that it's not even talking about a periodic act. It's talking about a persistent, settled, unheedful pattern of behavior that is sinful. Also, if we look at where that same word (the Greek word translated as 'go on') is used elsewhere, we see that it connotes a kind of enthusiastic embrace or whole-heartedness. So, if we are resisting and making an effort, even if we do commit the sin, we aren't continuing in sin the way that that passage talks about. 

what I can't see

I'm in a kind of liminal space, and the tension involved is difficult to manage. But it's a creative tension. 

I'm learning that a state of peace is attained, not by retreating to safety, but by moving forward into strength. Strength will bring me rest. 

There's a story that plays over and over in my mind, about the tension I'm experiencing - it's breaking me, it's hurting me, it's damaging me, it's never ending. It is self-perpetuating. It could go on indefinitely. It could go on for the rest of my life. 

But there's something different now about my experience of this tension, although the tension itself is nearly as old as I am. I've never had such a strong sense of my pain being for a purpose. I've never been so absolutely dogged about achieving my daily goals, regardless of whether it seems to be making a difference. 

I have this faith in a new life - a vibrant, strong, vital self - and a self that isn't fully realized yet. It's just an idea. It's not my self yet, but it's real. That's what drives me to achieve my daily goals day after day. 

କ୍ଷି TਤਾჷTзD ତ

Today I read 1 Samuel 24. King Saul was constantly trying to kill David, who was destined to become the king. One day, David and his men were hiding in a cave, and Saul went into that very cave to 'relieve himself'. So, it was as if God had given Saul into David's hands, and that's what David's men said to him. But David decided not to kill Saul because he regarded it as wrong to kill the Lord's anointed. 

When Saul was leaving the cave, David called out after him and they spoke. David pointed out that he had cut off a portion of Saul's robe and that he could have killed him but didn't. Saul was contrite about his intentions to kill David. He said to David, 'You are more righteous than I, for you have repaid me good, whereas I have repaid you evil.' He goes on to say that he knows that David will be king one day, and he says a lot of other conciliatory things. 

It seems like a real moment of realization - a change of heart on Saul's part. Two chapters later, Saul is trying to kill David again. I was wondering, what's wrong with Saul? How could he be so eloquent in wishing good for David and then so soon after actively seeking his death? It makes no sense. 

But then it occurred to me that I'm exactly like that. What I do doesn't make sense. I'm double minded. I say that I hate sin and love righteousness and I mean it sincerely, but I still keep sinning. Just like Saul, in the right circumstances, I have the right intent and resolution, but later, when things change and I'm tested, I don't hold to my resolve, and I do what I know is wrong. 

David was different. When he was tested, he chose to do what is right. 

ರ್IиຮPiгɛച

I always feel like it's more inspiring when someone has to work hard to achieve something than if it came easily. A lesser achievement can be more inspiring if it's harder to achieve. 

Surely we can all do great things because we can all do something that is challenging for us. 

Growth, healing, change, ought to be painful and difficult. 

I tend to foresee disaster, but reality is so much more beautiful, and I'm waking up into something permanent. 

It's been a long hard journey, and it's disturbing that it's still so hard. It seems strange. I don't know exactly what the problem is, actually. There's something wrong it seems, and people think there's something wrong with me. 

There is something wrong with me, but it doesn't matter. I'm on a journey and a journey doesn't go round and round in circles - a journey involves progress away from something and towards something else. 

I can feel my new self, with different values and concerns, becoming. 

हRöWめ

anything is possible

she said within limits

we grow

and sometimes we're trapped 

between the limits 

we grow 

and the limits imposed

we're forced to let go 

of the limits 

we grow

in the way

There really must be something to the idea that the issues we have to deal with - addictions, mental illness, and so on - are demons and have a life of their own, at least in some sense. 

One time years ago, after going through a time of depression/ anxiety that lasted for a few years, I finally gave up and I thought I couldn't go on any more. I sought help and I thought I was going to be helped. But things got much worse. Someone even explained it to me by saying that, because I had signaled to my anxiety that I had given up, it was just taking over. It had me beat. It wasn't going to show mercy. 

I learnt that I have to help myself. There's that joke where someone says, 'I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you'. We have to learn the lessons for ourselves. We have to work through our own issues. There's no easy way. 

There is a way though, and we find the way. 

 

পৰলৈ şağə উপর

depression, anxiety, rumination, fear

reduces me

to passivity and weakness ||

it becomes me

but it can't be me ||

it doesn't surprise me

but I surprise myself ||

व🎗i˄ɛৰু

Sometimes I feel like certain activities/ actions/ exercises are like putting an intravenous drip of good health into my arm. The effect isn't lasting, but I keep administering the IVs and there's both an immediate and cumulative effect. 

Or maybe the analogy of an IV is not the best because it makes these things sound passive. The IVnous is just one aspect of the things. 

These things are active things that you do. The reason that the positive effects don't last is that I have invested so much in rumination. I have worked at rumination, hard, for many years. 

So, building these positive affects is like building sand castles near the surf. You can build a really good one but it's just going to get washed away. 

I had an inspiring conversation last year in which the other person, who had observed me and my behavior for a while, talked about how I obviously protect and nurture my anxiety. That's what I'm doing when I ruminate and when I withdraw. She was saying that I need to nurture activity and engagement instead. I need to cultivate life and vitality and not this all-consuming nothingness that is my anxiety, depression and rumination. 

This is a huge challenge for me. It's a completely different way of being. What has helped me to actually take on the challenge is the fact that I am dealing with some other major challenges. There's no way that I would be doing what I'm doing to stop ruminating, to engage with life, to be active, if it wasn't for these other challenges. 

றуяаపు

The more uncomfortable I feel the better, because the distress is pushing me into my new life. It seems like something has gone badly wrong. Surely, it's not meant to be like this. But no, my old habits of thinking and living need to go wrong. 

It's Tony Robbins who said that we change when the pain of staying the way we are is greater than the pain of changing. I think that's true and sometimes I've desperately wished that I could change so that I wouldn't have to endure the pain I was in. But I can't. I don't know how to change. How can you become something you're not - something you have no idea about? I'm thinking, how much pain is it going to take to push me into change? 

But I was missing the point. Pain brings the change. Pain creates the change, or rather, pain is an expression of the change being wrought, because pain doesn't create anything. 

සංδιάlógiςлடல்

ι cant

you hear meઢ

ι can 

not 

just listen

or write or speak

    +    +    +    +    +    +

thriving in exile

 People often reference Jeremiah 29:11 - 13:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

To really understand these verses and what they say to us, we have to look at them in context, because God's not actually talking to us here - he's talking to the Israelites. You can get some idea from just the verses themselves of course, but looking at the context gives us a much deeper understanding. 

The most important aspect of the context is that the Israelites were in a situation they didn't want to be in. They had been carried into exile in Babylon. They had been driven from their homes and taken to a strange land. A lot of false prophets were saying that they would be returning home relatively soon - in a year or two. So, things were pretty bad, but the false prophets were reassuring the people that this wouldn't last and things would return to normal. They just had to grit their teeth and get through this season.

The verses above are from a letter that Jeremiah wrote to the people from Jerusalem. He didn't get taken into exile. In his letter, before verse 11, he says that the so-called prophets are lying and that the Israelites should get on with their lives - plant crops, marry, work, participate in the community in Babylon, and so on - because, yes, they would be returning to Jerusalem, but it wasn't going to happen until 70 years had passed! Then, after that, we have verses 11 to 13. 

Imagine the devastation the people felt and how unwelcome Jeremiah's message was. It would seem unthinkable to these people who had lost everything and been taken as prisoners. Part of their loss was their whole cultural and religious life which very much revolved around the temple and Jerusalem. 

It would be hard for them to believe that God was really speaking through Jeremiah, hearing that God's plan for them was to make them prosper and give them hope, straight after telling them that they would be in exile, according to his will, for 70 years. 

It's within that tension that there is a lesson for us that teaches us about how to deal with our own struggles. 

It's ironically very comforting to realize that the challenges you're going through are not going to miraculously be alleviated. Things are going to stay hard because what you really want is relief but what God has planned is growth. God doesn't want you to return to what you've always known. It's comforting because you realize that the challenge continuing doesn't mean something is going wrong but rather it is pushing you to grow. 

ਸਿੱ lernîиz ගෙ

I've started doing courses on Udemy, and it's really great. In the past I've always learnt about coding and development from YouTube, and that was pretty good, but Udemy is better, because a planned out course is a bit better than a YouTube series. On YouTube you learn about different technologies separately but Udemy courses combine everything into single courses. They do also have courses about individual technologies.

An example of a course that covers a range of different technologies is the one I've started off with: 'The complete 2023 web development bootcamp' which is taught by Angela Yu. And notice: the title of the course has 2023 in it, so it's very current, which isn't always the case on YouTube. One of the things I love about Udemy courses is the same thing I love about YouTube tutorials. It's completely flexible. It's all video content and I just watch whenever I want for however long I want. Of course, I don't just watch the videos. I do the projects and exercises.  

It's also incredibly good value. The subscription is a couple of hundred dollars a year, but for that I have access to more than 5,000 courses, taught by the very best presenters you will find anywhere. Actually a lot of the people who make YouTube tutorials have more in-depth courses on Udemy. The one course that I'm doing about web development normally costs $18,000 for 12 weeks, so I'm getting that, but in a format that I much prefer, for a tiny fraction of the price. 

ളąćवाIөN

I always tended to think of recovery as a return to the way things were, but more and more I'm starting to think that that's kind of regressive. Recovery is not about going back to some ideal state, it's about going forward into a better life. 

Instead of longing for the day when I can feel comfortable again, I'm getting used to the idea of continuing to work on things - continuing to struggle. It's that work that makes my new life a reality. 

Over time, a new default is being established. It's like what they say about how, if you keep going outside your comfort zone, you move the boundaries of your comfort zone. You become comfortable with what previously would have made you uncomfortable, and that's what it means to grow.