व🎗i˄ɛৰু

Sometimes I feel like certain activities/ actions/ exercises are like putting an intravenous drip of good health into my arm. The effect isn't lasting, but I keep administering the IVs and there's both an immediate and cumulative effect. 

Or maybe the analogy of an IV is not the best because it makes these things sound passive. The IVnous is just one aspect of the things. 

These things are active things that you do. The reason that the positive effects don't last is that I have invested so much in rumination. I have worked at rumination, hard, for many years. 

So, building these positive affects is like building sand castles near the surf. You can build a really good one but it's just going to get washed away. 

I had an inspiring conversation last year in which the other person, who had observed me and my behavior for a while, talked about how I obviously protect and nurture my anxiety. That's what I'm doing when I ruminate and when I withdraw. She was saying that I need to nurture activity and engagement instead. I need to cultivate life and vitality and not this all-consuming nothingness that is my anxiety, depression and rumination. 

This is a huge challenge for me. It's a completely different way of being. What has helped me to actually take on the challenge is the fact that I am dealing with some other major challenges. There's no way that I would be doing what I'm doing to stop ruminating, to engage with life, to be active, if it wasn't for these other challenges.