what I can't see

I'm in a kind of liminal space, and the tension involved is difficult to manage. But it's a creative tension. 

I'm learning that a state of peace is attained, not by retreating to safety, but by moving forward into strength. Strength will bring me rest. 

There's a story that plays over and over in my mind, about the tension I'm experiencing - it's breaking me, it's hurting me, it's damaging me, it's never ending. It is self-perpetuating. It could go on indefinitely. It could go on for the rest of my life. 

But there's something different now about my experience of this tension, although the tension itself is nearly as old as I am. I've never had such a strong sense of my pain being for a purpose. I've never been so absolutely dogged about achieving my daily goals, regardless of whether it seems to be making a difference. 

I have this faith in a new life - a vibrant, strong, vital self - and a self that isn't fully realized yet. It's just an idea. It's not my self yet, but it's real. That's what drives me to achieve my daily goals day after day.