sit down

There's a kind of freedom that comes from containment. I'm not free to just do what I want. I have to work on my daily goals every day to get through life. There's no alternative. It's like this....you can think all you want about how you would react if you were attacked, but when you're under attack, you have to fight. Breaking down is not an option. It's not possible. It's like trying to drown yourself in a bathtub. Your self literally won't let you do it. 

But within this confinement is real freedom - a truer freedom than the freedom to do what I want. I always used to look forward to holidays and time off. I thought, finally I will have some freedom - a break from this mental stress that torments me. But it got much worse when I had time off. 

I had a calendar with inspirational Bible verses on it, and one of them was Psalm 121:3: 'He will not let you fall...'. That seemed like a threat. 

I only really understood that my issues had a purpose in 2022. I always tried to escape in different ways. That seemed like the answer. This experience with benzos has changed my attitude to other medications as well, because, as I wrote in another post, this has forced me to actually address my issues - to face anxiety, depression, rumination, and so on - to actually struggle with those things, in the sense of actually fighting them.