beginning

I really like that analogy I heard about chopping down a tree. Recovery is like chopping down a tree. It's hard work, but once you reach that point and the tree falls, there's a complete transformation. 

I haven't reached that point yet, and I don't know if I ever will. I can't imagine it. 

It seems like this struggle goes on and on. It goes on for years and I can't see the end of it. It doesn't get easier. My struggle now is the same as my struggle decades ago. 

But what encourages me is seeing what has changed. The main change in me is that I'm able to achieve my daily goals and I know that I am growing in my ability to achieve them. 

With no end in sight, I can see eternity. 

transformation

I remember reading Umberto Eco's The Name of the Rose in first year English. The novel is a murder mystery set in a medieval monastery.  We'd learnt different theoretical approaches to literature and, for the final essay, we had to apply one of those approaches to the novel. 

I chose Post-colonial Theory and one of the things I wrote about was how the monks in the story subverted the texts they were writing, by drawing in the margins. That's the idea behind post-colonial theory - there is power at the margins. There is a creative tension that is concentrated at the furthest extremes away from the center. 

I remember as well, in The Name of the Rose, the wonderful sense Eco conveyed of a world that was changing - being transformed by a new understanding and sensibility, even then, in the medieval era. 

I didn't understand most of the novel, to be honest. I hardly knew what was going on most of the time and couldn't grasp the ideas that were being conveyed, but I got impressions from it, and when time came to write my essay, I was able to analyze it based on those impressions. It was all an exercise in learning. 

fragile

It's reassuring to realize that the world I'm moving into, which still seems so strange and threatening, is the real world. I'm leaving the world that I am familiar with, and that is very unsettling, but that's just part of the picture. 

Right now, that seems like nearly the whole picture and I only get momentary glimpses of the new. But I know that the new is much better than the old, and what feel like expeditions into a hostile and treacherous terrain followed by retreats to the world I know, are actually journeys of discovery to a better home. 

That new place seems like sandcastles I build on the waters edge that then get washed away by the waves. It doesn't seem lasting. My rumination and fear and depression and anxiety seem permanent. But the opposite is true. 

obs

It's easy to get stuck in a loop. We bring the future into the present and color it, and then, when the future comes, it becomes the present, and the present is all about dreading the future. 

We long for relief and escape and space, and they elude us. So, of course relief is not going to come tomorrow, the next day, or next week, or next year. 

I've realized that I don't know how to be healthy and happy. If I am going to be healthy and happy, I have to be a different person, and I am becoming a different person. 

choosing which end to crack the egg

It's weird. There are some things here in Australia that are literally the opposite of the same things in America, and if there's a logical reason for it, I don't know it. 

In America, the democrats and the left are called liberal, but in Australia, the liberal party is the more right wing alternative. And then there are the colors that represent the different sides: red and blue. In Australia, red represents the left and blue represents the right, and that's also the color coding followed by pretty much every other country except the US, where conservatives are red and progressives are blue. 

In the post-war era - like 50's 60's 70's - I don't think there was much of a difference or a need for a difference between the left and the right. There was a consensus about what were the best policies. But in recent decades, things have become intensely polarized. 

It's problematic because the different factions define themselves in opposition to each other, and there is no common ground. Watch MSNBC, CNN, The Majority Report, The Young Turks, and watch FOX, SKY, The Daily Wire. You'll notice that they spend a lot of time critiquing each other, they take diametrically opposed positions and there's a whole system of narratives that underlies their respective discussions. The narratives of the left are completely different and incompatible with the narratives of the right. 

Personally, I think both sides get some things right and some things wrong. 

we just have to face it this time we're through

What's challenging for one person is very easy for someone else, and the same applies to the same person at different points in their life. There are things that were challenging for me a year ago that aren't challenging at all now. 

Something I've noticed about myself and others is that we have no empathy at all for challenges we haven't experienced ourselves. I think something we can learn to do, though, and that is a really good thing to learn is to take a position of understanding even when we don't understand - like, believing people about their own reality rather than imposing our reality onto them and judging them accordingly - telling them that they are wrong and we are right about them.  

And it's good to do that in our assessment of ourselves as well. Only you really understand yourself. If someone is being understanding and positive and encouraging you, it's good to take that on board. But if someone is accusing you, disparaging you, dismissing you, invalidating you, you don't have to take that on board. They do not know. They are not right about you. Of course, sometimes when someone is accusing you of something, you might have done what they're accusing you of. That's different. But even in that case, you know best. You know what you've done and what you think and who you are. No one else really understands yourself like you do. 

Sometimes we need to help others to understand us. We need to represent ourselves to people and give them the opportunity to understand us. But other times we need to reject other people's view of us. We don't need to fight them or let their view bother us, but we don't need to accept their view and take it to heart. Instead of getting all worked up about this fictional character that someone else has created, be about the business of being you. 

gestures

Leni dances without music and without an audience. She is always learning about the language that is dance, and there is always more to learn. 

No one really understands, but it doesn't matter. It's like flowers. They are exquisitely, achingly beautiful, and that richness is just there, regardless of any appreciation or understanding. 

breathe

I feel like I can taste it now. I'm so used to thinking that the non-linear nature of healing is a bad thing, that I forget that it can also be a really good thing. In the game of snakes and ladders, there are ladders, and in this healing process, although it's up and down, windows and waves, opening a window is a powerful thing. It's life changing and unforgettable. 

There's a sense in this process that you're never going backwards. It feels like it, or it feels like you're stuck, but that's not true. We heal. 

I'm learning something. It's like I'm digging and digging and I believe, from what I've been told and what I've figured out, that I will be able to break through. But it's not a reality. I'm still digging in darkness, and it seems like that's all there is...just digging. 

But I can feel the breakthrough, and I can actually open a window. I'm learning to do that. 

the dance of dissonance

I think it's a mistake to equate happiness with pleasure and comfort. True happiness is deeper and stronger than that. 

There's a lot of advice and inspirational quotes that talk about how things may be hard now but there will be better days ahead, and the implication is that easier is better. It will get easier, they say. But things getting easier is not a very inspiring goal. I think it's possible to have a better day today while it's hard.

Feeling good is not the ultimate gauge of life. It's good to struggle because it means you're going somewhere. It's good to not be comfortable where you're at. It means you're growing. 

change

It's hard to change your habits. If the life of our minds is like a forest, our ways of thinking and responding are like paths we've cleared through that forest, to get where we want or need to go. How much easier is it to walk down an existing path than to clear a new path? That's why, even when the paths we are on become dysfunctional and harmful to ourselves and others, we still hold onto those paths. We don't think we have a choice. Who can clear a path in the bush? 

We change when the old paths become unviable. Only then does it become conceivable to forge new paths. It seems like the end of the world, but it's the beginning of a new world. 

through the wilderness

For a while it really seemed like something special was possible. And then everything went so wrong and it got to the point where it seemed like nothing was possible, and then there were only limited possibilities...nothing very exciting. 

Life is so weird. Setbacks and trials lead to good things. Nothing ever goes according to plan, but it seems like there is a greater plan. Things go exquisitely wrong and then things go spectacularly right. 

Dreams come true suddenly and often, but then nightmares come true as well. 

We don't really know the difference. When we get what we want, we think our dreams have come true, and it is exciting when opportunities arise and things go well, but when we fail and suffer, that's actually more meaningful and worthwhile than when we succeed and things go smoothly. 

It matters more. When you fail but you keep trying or when you face adversity or when you are misunderstood and despised or whenever you face any kind of trial, that's more valuable than when things go smoothly, because you grow in character through those times, and nothing is more precious than character. 

only one

I think writing online is always a trade-off between what you really want to write and what there's a demand for. Writing on Medium, I have to think more about the audience and providing some kind of value, whereas writing here I can write whatever I want. 

But yes, it's always a trade-off. On this blog I do think about writing what people will want to read, and on Medium I do write what I want to write. 

I've watched a lot of videos and read a lot of articles about how to make money online. You can really make money online, but for me it's a process. One thing I've gleaned from all the content I've engaged with is that doing stuff just to make money doesn't work. 

I don't necessarily want it to work anyway. Money and clout would be nice, but I don't want to get rich quick. I would much rather build something worthwhile. 

With Medium, I still don't make a lot of money, but it's exciting to me that I'm making any money. From the first month I joined the Medium Partner Program, I've earned money every month. That it's possible to do that is really something. And it's something I'm building. 

People, including me, look at what other people, who are making a lot of money, have done and are doing, and we think that we can make a lot of money by doing what they are doing. But I think that's an enterprise that is doomed to failure, because copying what someone else has done isn't providing any value. 

I can't do that anyway, even though I try. I can only do things in my own way. I watched a YouTube video about people who are making a lot of money by making short, information videos - like, top 10 tourist destinations, 10 most dangerous places, that kind of thing. So, I started making videos, and I've really become interested in it and made around 60 videos and counting. But unlike the accounts with the 10 places videos, that get hundreds of thousands of followers, millions of views, and make a lot of money, I haven't gone viral. 

I got a fair amount of views - like maybe 600 or 700. But I didn't gain any subscribers. But I've learnt a lot and I've enjoyed creating these videos. They are a creative expression and I'm developing in my creative process. 

Same with my art. I've made 693 pieces of digital art, and counting, most of that in the last year. I upload my designs to my Redbubble shop and post them to Instagram. A made a few sales when I first opened my shop, but nothing since. I've been getting a lot of favorites though (509) so I know people are seeing my work. 

It all goes together - all these different projects. I don't know how it's going to develop but it's worthwhile. It doesn't really matter if no one appreciates what I do. It's not going to stop me, because I'm invested in what I'm doing. And I think that, in some ways, that's the meaning of success. Working to order - giving people what you think they want - trying to produce a certain effect or bring about certain results, including the results of money and clout, is a mug's game. To hell with that. What I'm going to bring to the table is my own voice. 

mosaic

When you take a portion out of a larger image, that portion somehow becomes more vivid and concentrated. The same applies to language. If you take words out of their context - like say if you write a long passage and then take phrases or sentences or even words out of that passage - those phrases have a concentrated meaning. 

When you join words that don't really make sense together, that's a way of isolating and concentrating their meaning as described above, because the meaning is not deferred to the words around the particular word. Like say if I write, 'her signal said red mountain searching my ground'.....each of the words is freer and more concentrated because it's not tied to the other words in any normal way. It stands on its own. Like the word, 'red', really conveys the idea of redness. If you were to write 'the red fire-engine', some of the power of 'red' would be lost because the reader would be thinking about the fire engine, not the color red. 

renovatio

Part of depression is the inability to hold onto anything positive or reassuring or helpful or comforting. Healthy thinking takes practice. I think, if all of the things I worry about were somehow fixed, I would still return to depression, because depression isn't really about problems you have. The depression is itself the problem. 

I've learnt to think of it in a different way as I've been working through withdrawal. Withdrawal is a profound gift. Anything that really hurts so much that it drives you to change, is a precious gift. 

When I wake up and I can't go back to sleep and my mind is in turmoil and overwhelmed with stress - the stress of my own inner drama - I've learnt to not react and think about how awful this is and how I'm stuck in this endless cycle of pain that goes on for years, which keeps me in that cycle. I've learnt to think - no. It's fine. It's good. It's my brain doing what it needs to do. I can just relax and let it do its work. 

art LII

emergence Ǝ

Living in constant fear, I feel withered and traumatized. I feel like I'm always cold and can never warm up, like the ground beneath my feet keeps subsiding. What I really long for is simply what I'm supposed to have and which is slipping through my fingers. 

It's this corporeal body and mind that is getting crushed. There's an identity in each of us that is not afraid or beaten or broken - that is strong and whole. When things get really bad - when you feel like you just can't go on, and yet you do, that person emerges, and your fear is gone, because that person doesn't know fear. Fear has no purchase in their mind.  

reality

I still get drawn into vicious cycles. I think, I've got to fight, I've got to struggle, because this is unbearable. And I'm making it unbearable. It's all a big thing in my head. 

Of course, I don't mean that in the dismissive way that people sometimes say it about depression....it's all in your head - it's self-induced - so you can just choose to get over it. 

No, it's a horrible problem, and it's overwhelming and painful and seems intractable. But yes, it's a different kind of fight. You can't reason your way out of it. 

As I've written before, I withdraw into my house of fear and pain and depression and anxiety, and it seems so imposing. I tell myself I'm stuck in there, but I have this hope now, that there is something better, and I have faith that this hope will win, because it's the truth. 

The wonderful thing is that it doesn't depend on me. It doesn't depend on my strength. I'm coming out of this. 

stuff I'm doing

I've published 81 articles on Medium and uploaded 501 designs to Redbubble. I'm working on some things to publish on gumroad, getting ready to publish something on substack and on a new wordpress blog that I have created. I want to develop a website, publish a book on Kindle Direct Publishing, try out affiliate marketing, sell some digital products, write on some sites other than Medium (e.g. Vocal Media), open an etsy shop, do some work on fiverr...maybe proofreading/ editing and maybe copy writing, which I want to explore. 

With Redbubble, I want to start doing better product descriptions and hashtags and I want to learn how to do vector art so that I can create designs where resolution is not an issue. I want to really get into the practice of actually designing products, especially T-shirts, with writing and visual elements, rather than just putting my artworks on products, which is what I mostly do now. 

I want to explore making youtube videos more. I want to try some Print on Demand sites other than Redbubble. I want to try selling my art on inprnt.com. I want to try shopify and printful, and build an email list, and lots of other things. 

weird science

As science and technology become more sophisticated, there's a return to old patterns - to what we thought we were moving away from. You can see it in quantum physics. Science has always been about reason and dispelling superstition and approaching things in a mathematical and very rational way. 

But then, in the 20th century, suddenly there was something really weird, ethereal, poetic, arcane, about science. The act of observing an experiment changes the result. Particles act in coordination even though they're separated by hundreds or thousands of kilometers. There's something mysterious going on.

where's the lie?

It's reassuring when something doesn't work at all, because then you know you're missing something and you'll be able to figure it out, but if you get it to work a bit and then it fails, that's a bad sign. 

Take driving for example. If the problem is that you haven't put the car in 'drive', when you turn on the ignition, there won't be any sound. Nothing will happen. That's really good....or at least it can be really good...you could have a dead battery, which isn't good. But the point is that turning the ignition and nothing happening is a thousand times better than hearing the engine make that cranking sound and not actually starting. 

There's nothing wrong with the car. There's something wrong with you. 

So, I've learnt that, when something doesn't function as it's supposed to - like, when it just doesn't function at all - that's good. It tells me I'm doing something wrong. 

I think this is a good principle in other things as well. Sometimes it's a good idea to doubt your own perceptions and judgements. When we don't understand something or it seems contradictory, we're too quick to say it doesn't make sense. Maybe we just don't understand it. That's possible. 

Just because it doesn't make sense to you doesn't mean that it doesn't make sense. 

what you want

I wrote a post on Medium called, What is Critical Theory Really About?. I was pretty excited to write it, because it's an issue that I really care about. But it didn't get much attention. No one seemed very interested. 

I'm thinking that maybe I should have been more explicit about what I was trying to say. I'm trying to actually engage in the culture wars and argue against people like Neil Shenvi, Chris Rufo, James Lindsay, and anyone else who wants to say that Critical Theory is anti-Christian, anti-social, degenerate, and so on. 

Actually, making the post about critical theory was an afterthought. I wrote something, and then I thought - hey, this is about critical theory....it would be a good way of countering all the views that I've read and heard about critical theory, that I disagree with. But that probably didn't work. I didn't signal at all that that's what I was doing. 

The problem is that I'm really averse to writing some kind of direct challenge to these views. I don't like debating. I like having the freedom to roam intellectually and not having to restrict myself to covering what someone else has written or spoken, point by point. I'm exhausted by that even before I start. 

On a related note, I was watching a video by Ruslan - Target pulls ‘satanist’ Designer and THIS happens @ZubyMusic - and he and Zuby made the point that someone like Dylan Mulvaney is getting a lot more attention, because of conservative Christian criticism (hereafter designated as CCC), than positive content that represents conservative Christian values. 

It makes me think of the dictum, 'promote what you love rather than bashing what you hate'. It seems to me when I watch, for example,  Michael Knowles, Matt Walsh, Candace Owens, Ben Shapiro, that a lot of their content revolves around criticizing those they disagree with. Matt Walsh especially, I think. It seems like all he ever does is attack and criticize. And I think, what's the point of that? What difference does it make? It's not going to change the view of the people he's attacking. It's not really for them. It's for the people who are already critical of this other side. 

But then, all of those hosts I listed are very successful and popular so they must be giving people something they want. 

art LI

path | ology

I've always had this sense that depression is kind of a natural thing. By that I don't mean that it's not painful and distressing, but that there's a logical explanation for it. There is an understandable etiology, and from my point of view it's not about risk factors and genetics and life events or even about a chemical imbalance. They are all things that an external observer will comment on, but for me, there's a story. 

It's not like something went wrong. It's just as much about what worked too well than it is about what didn't work. I think that, for some reason, things that are very pure and good and fine can't fit in this world so they manifest as problems. 

They appear to be problems, but they are actually points of significance. Problems are a blessing and leisure is a curse. Crises are calls to a heroic journey.