book to screen

Some of the TV shows I've enjoyed the most recently have been based on books...The man in the high castle, Brave New World, Mr Mercedes. That seems to be what all the best shows, in my view, have in common. I notice though, that they depart very dramatically from the book, but they do that to be faithful to the spirit of the book.

for knowledge to count

Why is it that, when I have ideas about something, if I don't express that view to anyone, I feel like it doesn't count? It's not enough for me to know. I have to tell other people. 

The stronger the view and the more thought and work I've put into it, the more I feel like that. If I don't 'use' my knowledge by expressing it, I feel like it's wasted. 

forgive

Expression is the opposite of depression. 

It's funny how wielding this instrument instills life in you. It's weird because you're not taking something in, you're giving out, and yet that action gives you life, brings yourself back. 

modern media

I love how so many people, including serious journalists and media organizations, but all kinds of people with all kinds of interests, have started substacks now. It seems like a really healthy development. 

unhappy returns

One of the challenges of tapering off benzos is the separate issues that were there pre-benzos and reassert themselves as you heal from benzos. As David Powers says, benzos aren't like antibiotics. They don't treat anxiety and depression. So, as you become less reliant on them, and you heal in that way, your mental health issues seem to reappear. 

This is really relevant towards the end of your taper, and beyond that. Early on, you're going through hell but it's benzo hell. Then, as you heal and you expect to feel so much better, suddenly you're struggling worse than ever. Before, the challenges of benzo withdrawal were more immediate, but now, as those challenges recede, your pre-existing issues come into play again. It doesn't mean you're not healing and making progress. 

do it

I have this mindset when I'm really struggling with sleep and mental health issues, that today is kind of wasted, but there's no preventing that. I can't do anything meaningful today. Maybe tomorrow if I'm able to sleep better tonight. But I've been learning to not think like that - to instead, actually do stuff - to engage in actually living rather than going round and round in my head.

breaking barriers

The good thing about change is that it goes one way. Something remains. Progress is made. 

My taper is an example of that. Yes, my dose goes up and down from day to day and week to week, but the overall trend is downwards, and once I make a cut to the amount I pick up each week from the pharmacy, that's it - I will never again get more than that each week. Now I'm down to 2 x 2 mg a week. That seemed impossible not that long ago, but just taking a step at a time, and continuing to push, that's where I am. 

For the last few months, most weeks my weekly dose has been 1.75 x 2 mg, because I take .25 a day. I remember when I was pushing to get down to .25, then I did it one day and after that I did it more days until it became the norm. It's always a barrier that seems really difficult to cross. Taking less than 2 tablets was a barrier, then taking less than 1.75, then taking less than 1.5, and so on. Now that I'm down to .25 a day, to go lower I have to go to zero because it's not practical to break the tablets into smaller than quarters. In any case, how small is a quarter of a 2 mg tablet? Even if I take a full 2 mg these days, I barely feel anything. 

For me, Valium long ago ceased to be about dealing with anxiety. It was more about dealing with the symptoms which it itself was manifesting. Taking it was mostly about my need for it. 

This month - actually, the very first day of September, I had my first day of no Valium. Then, in the following couple of weeks, I had a few more days of zero. But then I started to really struggle again with sleep and mental health issues. There's always a delayed effect with Valium. After I make a cut I only really feel it a week or two later and sometimes it hits hard. I think that the last few months of 1.25 a week and then cutting down to zero some days, started to take a toll. So, I've been sticking to .25 a night in recent days, but hey - now that I've passed the barrier of having no Valium days, that will soon be the norm.