just

Subtle effects can have major consequences, especially when it comes to the mind and things that affect the mind. That's something I've really come to appreciate anew as I have tapered off benzos. 

I'm down to less than 2 x 2 mg of Valium a week now, most weeks. Most days I take .25 x 2 mg, which works out to 1.75 x 2 mg a week. So, you'd think that the amount of Valium in my system would mean that I don't really need it anymore and it wouldn't affect me much anymore, but no, that's not the case. I'm getting close to the end. As of this month - September 2026 - I started to have some days when I didn't take any Valium at all. Passing through that barrier was exciting. For the first two weeks of this month, I had 2 days each week of no Valium, but then, towards the end of those 2 weeks, it hit me really hard. It wreaked havoc with my sleep and mental health, and I still haven't recovered - still struggling. So, I've gone back to .25 x 2 mg a day, for the moment, and when I've stabilized, which should be soon I think, I'll have another go at some zero days. 

I've also rediscovered the effects of caffeine. For a long time I only drank decaf, but then lately I've been experiencing a really oppressive kind of fatigue. The combination of being so exhausted and not being able to sleep is exquisite torture. So, I had the idea of trying a decaffeinated coffee, maybe 2 or 3 times a day. I wasn't sure if it would work, but I wanted to give it a go, and it turned out to be really effective. I don't know if it was just psychosomatic, but the first sip I felt a difference, felt re-energized. Just having that little extra bit of control again, is very encouraging. It's intoxicating, but in a good way.