alchemy

I was thinking about how good things grow directly out of challenging things. I'm not ready to feel good about the challenging things just yet, but I feel the good things growing, and the good things displace the challenging things. It takes time. 

I suppose it's like a kind of alchemy. You can't just wish away the challenging things. It doesn't work like that. It's not a miracle where suddenly all the pain is gone and the new life and strength and vitality is fully formed. It's a process and the good things somehow need the bad things in order to develop. 

In Hebrews 11:34, the Bible talks about how, through faith, our weakness can be turned into strength. That's the thing about real strength though: it's rooted in weakness, just like courage is rooted in fear. You have to experience weakness and fear to become strong and courageous. There's no other way. 

The struggle has eased a bit, but I'm unsettled and insecure...fearful that this new lesser struggle presages a spiral down into the hole I was in. But I also see a lot of difference now. I had the most interesting sensation this morning of, for the first time in a long time, being able to observe the struggle I've been in, from outside it. I saw how bad it was, but I wasn't in it any more. 

To have that experience, even if it passed as the day went on, is a really good sign. 

But I know that I still need the struggle. I see its importance in this process of growth. Because what happens when I get some relief, like I have in the last few days, is that I savor that relief, and something in me wants to take it easy and enjoy my new position. It's so easy to fall back into old ways of thinking and acting. So, I need to be reminded that I'm not out of the woods yet, so that I maintain my fierce commitment to my daily goals.