montage

It seems so hard to do my daily goals, but that's an illusion. None of them are actually difficult. But it's the struggle with rumination and depression that makes them difficult. 

The problem is that so much of my attention and energy is captivated by this inner problem. 

Realizing that this is the nature of the problem gives me hope. It feels like something is going wrong and like I'm being broken, but the change is actually profoundly positive. I have hope because this is a process and it's a good process. 

Even when I do break down and feel like I can't cope any more, I'm learning to bounce back from that. I might melt down for a while. I panic, catastrophize, feel defeated and helpless, but I pretty quickly get back to working on my daily goals. 

There are windows and waves. The windows are times of relief and feeling better, and the waves are periods of intense challenge. I have to remind myself that I am making progress - that I'm not back to square one, I haven't completely failed, when I go through yet another wave. The problem is that, as I have more, better and longer windows, the waves don't get any easier. They seem almost harder. 

But I take comfort in the fact that the waves are part of progress. Growth is not linear - it's up and down, and the downs are as important as the ups, maybe even more important. Every story of triumph has to start with being knocked down, losing in some way. That's what motivates you to train hard and change.