In the blog post I wrote yesterday, I did something I can't ever remember doing before. I wrote something pretty negative and I didn't try to turn it around and turn it into some kind of lesson or positive message. I'm glad I did that. It reflects what I'm learning - that you don't defeat rumination by reasoning or arguing with it or trying to make something positive out of it.
There is a good way to argue with it or disarm it (probably the better term). What you don't want to do is struggle or resist. When you do that you empower the rumination because you're telling it that it scares you. Rumination was really defeating me yesterday and most of today as well. It seemed hopeless. I was trapped in a cycle of fear.
My weapons in the fight - my daily goals - were all rendered useless because rumination has me immobilized and unable to do my goals.
What helped me was a realization I made. I was ruminating, as I've been doing lately. I had some victories today but they didn't really bring me hope. They were victories of keeping going when it's hard and it's not going to get any easier. Later on, you look back on those times and realize they are the real victories, because it seems hopeless and there is no relief or escape in sight, but you do what you need to do anyway.
The realization was about one of my recent ruminations. This thing had really bothered me. I was catastrophizing and imagining the worst and it was just one more thing weighing on my mind. There's always a main worry and this was my main worry for a while. Today it got resolved and it wasn't even a problem. It was nothing. And I almost didn't appreciate it or feel any relief because, of course, there's some other worry on my mind now - some other main worry.
I've been trying to find a way of doubting my rumination, but it seems to have beaten me. It seems to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's won and my goals are useless because I can't do any of them. I'm just stuck in these thoughts and fears and they're closing me down. But then it occurred to me....that thing I was worried about the other day, that seemed so devastating, wasn't even an issue.
The lesson about my fears is that they are unfounded – that my rumination lies to me.
It still plagues me. After the initial breakthrough and feeling better, the rumination threatens to wash away the hope like a wave washes away a sand castle. But I know not to engage it. As tempting as it is to think about it and want to reason with it, that's not the way.
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