everything is on fire

I finally found a writing prompt that I want to write about. It's one I've never seen before...write about why you want to write.

I want to write because writing is victory and life, and rumination closes everything down. 

Something happened after I wrote that second sentence. A huge change came over me. I went from being mired in rumination and fear, to breaking free and being in a completely different mindspace. I stopped writing and I was watching some youtube videos about art. I downloaded some art software I want to try. I listened to music. 

I'm experiencing this more and more lately. I'm in my house of fear and hopelessness and pain, and it seems like I'm stuck here. I have this belief, even though I don't feel it, that doing my daily goals - engaging - occupying myself - moving - taking action - taking positive steps...I have this belief that doing those things will help me overcome rumination. But my rumination is still such a presence in me and it tells me it's hopeless, that there's no point, that I'm stuck. What difference is my pathetic attempt at doing one of my goals going to make? It's just going to cause me pain (my rumination says). You need to keep your attention focused on me (my rumination says) because if you don't you will experience more pain. You need to listen to me so that you can be protected. 

But what's happened here is an example of the answer to that. It seems hopeless. It doesn't seem like it will make a difference. But I want to try. I want to keep trying. I believe in persisting in this struggle of action vs rumination. 

So, I find a way. I force myself to write something. And by the end of the second sentence, everything is different. I'm not in that house of pain any more. 

Of course the rumination will come back. I've been feeding it and building it up for my whole life. But that's the other thing that I'm learning that helps me with this: my rumination is not my enemy. I don't need to fight it or struggle with it. In fact, that's what has made it so imposing and painful. My struggle has built it up because I'm just fighting myself. My rumination is my own thoughts - my own creation. So rather than fighting it, I need to be understanding of it. It's trying to tell me something. What's it trying to tell me? It's like a scared child, actually, and I let it order me around and tell me what to do and what I can't do, but what I need to do is reassure it and calm it down. It actually wants to protect me. That was its original purpose. When it pokes its head through the door I need to invite it in for coffee instead of picking up a weapon or running away.