Real change is a kind of miracle, because how can you become something you have never known? How can you have any idea how to be different? Changing requires a kind of blindness. You have to feel your way tentatively. It requires faith.
Because you have an understanding of what is required, it's just that the reality of it feels completely unnatural and involves stepping into the unknown. There's so much pain and fear, which makes us feel like something is wrong.
But pain and fear are guides. The reality of our spirit and the spiritual realm is so much more solid and substantial than we realize. You will not break. My whole life I've had this thought that what I'm thinking and feeling is causing me damage. And that thought generates pain and fear. And it seems like that has its way. It seems like it can really damage you. It seems like it does. It sets up an interlocking set of problems that can stop you and debilitate you and end you. It's real. Depression and anxiety are real and painful and debilitating.
Finally I know the solution. And it seems completely too late. It still seems like the rumination will win. It really does. But why am I writing this? I'm writing this not because I have great faith or hope but because I have faith and hope in something great and true. I believe in the reality I have been writing about a lot lately...the narrative about my new life/ my daily goals being like a tree, and my rumination being like a storm. The tree can't help but grow, and the storm can't help but pass.
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