out

In first year English we did a module about creative writing and another one about essay writing, which shaped my essay writing practice ever since. The one about creative writing was equally earth shattering....what a revelation! I came up with a really exciting idea for my final project and I got the highest mark I've ever received for anything. 

What really set my mind on fire from the start was the idea we were taught that you didn't have to have a good idea to start with. Instead you could just play with language and produce something - see what came out. It struck me that that's exactly like my experience of art and music. I don't know what I want to achieve. I just do things and see what develops. 

There is an idea though. Like I said, there was an idea for my final project, but it's not an idea about how the final result will look. It's more like an interesting scheme or procedure I'm going to perform. It was so exciting working on that project. I had no idea what I was going to do but a sense of so many possibilities. 

My life is like this kind of project at the moment. I've rarely felt as broken and defeated. The outlook is bleak indeed. I'm not on top of this issue. It's on top of me. Truly it is. And it would extinguish my new life just like it has always silenced me and stopped me from acting and doing and achieving, but it cannot stop me now. 

It's not that I feel triumphant or that I can see it. I can't see the victory, but I think I'm becoming the victory. Because I'm a real living being but my rumination is a voice generated by fear. It still grinds me down day after day. It's still painful. I'm still traumatized and afraid. But I have a vision of my new life. 

My new life is in my daily goals and each one of my daily goals is a powerful weapon against rumination and for life. 

It may seem like this thing's on top of me, but already it doesn't stop me any more like it always has in the past. So, it's started. My new life has begun. And this thing still has me pressed down and confined, living in fear and trauma. But things aren't how they appear. It seems so fearsome and I seem so weak. It seems to have me beaten. But I keep achieving my goals day after day as hard as it is. 

I keep coming back to the idea. My new life, my new self, is a tree, and the rumination is a storm. It doesn't matter how things look. The tree will live and grow, and the storm will pass. 

Every time I achieve my goals, I'm taking further steps out of the house of fear and pain that I have constructed and lived in. Freedom and joy and real life seem strange to me because I live in this house of fear and pain. It's my refuge. But I'm getting out.