When you cater to your fear of pain, the fear will eat everything you've got. It won't stop at the bounds you set for it. It will take over your life and you will live in fear and pain.
In the process I'm working through, things have been getting ridiculously hard. To the point where I want to just collapse and escape or be rescued or something. I don't see any other option. I think that's just how it's going to have to be, because I can't endure this. But then I was reflecting on it today and thinking, in a strange way, it's actually me doing this to myself. This is what I want...at least what the old me wants.
It really is the old me too. I noticed that when I was in that state of mind, I had given up on my daily goals. They just seemed useless and ineffective. The rumination was too much for them. What good are they in the face of rumination, anxiety and depression? And because I don't think like that any more, I noticed that in my state of giving up, that's how I was thinking. And that's how things used to be.
So I went from thoughts of my collapse to thoughts and actions of doing my daily goals. Doing that - making that effort - actually made me feel good. For the first time today I felt OK. It didn't last. There were maybe a few moments of respite and then back to the pain. But that's the reality at the moment. I can either collapse because of it or I can build my life.
It seems like the end, but that's because I don't really know this new person or this new life. God is leading me into them.
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