the battle

Sometimes I feel hopeless and I feel abandoned. I feel broken. I feel like all the stress has finally cracked me and I can't function any more. 

But I'm learning that, as much as I don't think so, I choose desperation and helplessness. I don't have to. I don't have to be victimized. 

I was watching a video today by Michael Priebe: Withdrawal & Healing: New Beginnings. He talks about a time when he was really feeling the pressure from coming off Paxil (an SSRI anti-depressant) and tapering off Xanax (a benzodiazepine/anti-anxiety medication). Coming off benzos is a grueling process to say the least. Anyway, in the video, he talks about how, one day when he was just really feeling hard-pressed and his wife was also going through some health issues, he said, lets just go for a walk in the park, to get out and do something. So that's what they did, and it became a kind of turning point in his life. Just a simple thing. It wasn't a run or a work out, but as Michael says, he had the suspicion that if he could take a few steps, then bigger steps would be possible later. 

I can relate to that with what I'm going through at the moment. There's a lot of fear and pressure and I feel broken sometimes. I get to the point where I feel desperate and my fear and rumination just spiral upward in a kind of panic attack. 

I've also experienced that sense in which taking a few steps can be a turning point. 

Sometimes it's fairly immediate. I'll be doing one of my daily goals and I'll just suddenly be freed from the cloud of rumination, and I'll really feel it. Other times it's more of a battle, where I'm struggling to do my daily goals while I'm stuck in rumination. That's when I can get to a point where I feel defeated. 

But, in any case, I keep fighting. I keep working on my daily goals and moving away from rumination. That is the way forward.