windows and waves

I've never experienced such a roller coaster as I have this year. One of the lessons I'm learning is that I am not defined by the ups or the downs. 

Sometimes, in the midst of the waves, I think I'm broken or I'm getting close to breaking - actually, I am breaking - but what's really happening at those times is I am growing. And then after that - often very soon after that - things get a lot better. The harder the wave the more potent the window. 

The ups and the downs both seem permanent. When you're hardly coping, you can't imagine being whole and strong and confident ever again. The opposite is true to some extent. When I'm up, no other state really makes sense. I can't understand the pain and distress I was in. But I know from experience that I'll be back there again. 

Recently I was surprised when a wave that I thought would go on for hours just eased and I felt better and started doing things. It's usually not that easy. I have to keep pushing and keep pushing, often to no avail. It's getting easier to actually open a window though. Writing affirmations, pushing myself to do whatever the next goal is on my list....sometimes just enduring through the wave, and it eases. 

It starts off with just a flicker...a slight change, an easing of the pain, and then I push through to the window. It's kind of like catching a wave actually.