a new light

I learnt something important about my rumination today. 

What I noticed earlier today is something that I've experienced many times. When I give my attention to something and try to engage, I feel uncomfortable. I feel like something is wrong. What I realized when I thought about it later is that that feeling is my rumination tugging on me. As I try to give my full attention to a task, my rumination tells me something is wrong - that I need to continually monitor it rather than giving my attention to other things. 

My attention is always on this unsolvable problem that isn't even clearly defined. I don't even know what the problem is, just that my mind is so occupied with it. 

Usually when I have that feeling of wanting to give my attention to a task and feeling unable to because my mind is so engrossed in rumination, I react by being critical of myself and feeling defeated. I think, I can't even do this task. I can't do anything. I'm stuck with this problem. I feel trapped and hopeless. 

But when I thought about it today, I saw it in a different, positive light. It's not an indicator of being stuck in an endless loop of suffering. It's an indicator of a struggle that I am making progress with - the process of breaking down my rumination and building my new life. As I keep pushing myself to do my daily goals and pushing against the rumination, I am making progress. 

I often feel lately like there is no path forward. There is no relief in sight. But then I realize that my daily goals are the path forward. 

Just seeing the struggle for what it is is something new for me. In the past, I wouldn't be aware of it as a struggle. The fact that I'm aware of when I'm ruminating and I have a sense of an alternative to that, shows I've made progress. 

Eventually my daily goals will be my life. For now, I still keep wanting to go back to rumination, and falling back into it.